Saturday, May 21, 2011

Veloci-raptured? Oh, I Get It Now!

As everyone with a TV/Computer/Phone/Ears probably already knows, the 21st of May in the year of our Lord 2011 is the beginning of the end for mankind.  Those of you who "know" (but not Biblically, ironically enough) Jesus Horatio Christ, will disappear from this mortal realm, leaving only your clothes and pets behind... unless your pets also believe and they in turn will be taken to Doggie Heaven and possibly Kitty Heaven, or as they like to call it, A Pile of Warm Laundry.

The Christ pose is a coincidence... or is it?

Don't worry about your sinful pets, I'm sure someone will remember to feed them for you.  There should be someone around because, sadly, not all of us will be making the journey to that happy, fuzzy place with you.  The May 21st deadline isn't for those doubting Thomas's among us.  It's for those who have officially completed the "Accepting Christ Checklist."  Did you remember to put money in the collection plate every week so that your church can reupholster the kneeling benches?  Did you remember to throw your Marilyn Manson albums into the bonfire, sending toxic plastic smoke into the atmosphere?  Did you remember to help that homosexual couple by telling them they will burn in hellfire for all eternity for being in love with each other?  Did you remember to pray for the victims of every natural disaster and then pat yourself on the back for helping out like you were the spiritual Red Cross?  You did?  Well, good journeys then!  You are truly the best person you could be and I thank you for making the rest of us look like shit.

That's his, "My shit smells better than yours, smile."  And it does.

The moderate Christians may be in trouble though, for there are those that truly haven't reached the pinnacle of self-appreciation that comes with being a true Child of Christ.  Some of them are actually good people, understanding of views opposite of their own, accepting of other true religions of the world, and following the actual words of the man who was Jesus.  You're slacking!  Go out and convert that Jew couple next door!  Try to run over that abortion doctor with your car on the way home from work!  Time is running out, folks!

And there was so much time.  Time that should have been spent groveling on our hands and knees to that big space man in the sky.  And what did we do instead?  Well, there was a great period of time, The Dark Ages, where good Godly people came together to smite all of their heaten enemies: witches, Muslims, and the French.  All was well in the world for about five hundred years until the snooty Renaissance came along and made us start using our brains to move ahead unimportant shit like science and art and understanding.  Then man started getting these crazy ideas in their heads like, "Hey, can we fly?"  So we made planes which only led to us thinking, "Hey, can we go to space?"  Which we did.  But for what?  What's on the moon that's gonna help us be better people?  Obviously not a stepping stone to the bigger universe around us.  We don't need to figure out the human genome.  We're all special just the way God made us, especially the people with debilitating genetic diseases.  We don't need to understand how to make renewable energy.  We'll be dead by the time we run out of fossil fuels, thank God!  And what of jetpacks and hoverboards, I ask you?  What a colossal waste of manpower and nothing to show for it.

But these are out in abundance....

And what about our personal ambitions and dreams?  Why exactly did the average person go to college?  For the betterment of their education and for better standing in the job market?  Pshaw!  Waste of time!  All of these relationships with these random people who move in and out of our lives don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy mixed up world when you know that it's all gonna disappear within our lifetime.  Cultivating long standing and fruitful relationships with people we know and care about seems a little useless now that they're going to be a pile of clothes we can steal and make into scarecrows.

Bye, Dad!  I'm taking your car.

So as the clock ticks down and down towards the extremely precise time of 6 P.M. wherever the hell you are in the world, go ahead and take one of these last minutes to look back at your life.  How many hours did you waste having fun with friends?  How many years did you waste learning to play the piano and making beautiful music for all to hear?  How long did you sit and ponder the majesty of nature and the utterly awe-inspiring vastness of our universe?  And those babies you're all in a rush to make because yours will be special?  Hope they learned how to talk and pray cause they might be hanging out with me and the pets for five months if they haven't made their peace yet.  Babies can't ask for forgiveness cause they didn't do nothin' wrong and they're stubborn as hell.

In conclusion, hope you lived your life to the fullest... by waiting for it to end quickly.

But, I guess if you're reading this, you're still here, cause I'm not gonna post it until 6:01.  Whoops.

Bring it on, you sons of bitches!

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Movies I Haven't Seen: Something Borrowed

Well, welcome back all you loyal readers... reader... whoever.  You're here, that either means you kinda like me or you Googled some famous person's name that I make fun of in this post.  It's been a while, good to see you all!  There was a long chunk of time there where there weren't any movies that I wanted to ruin for anyone and some I actually wanted to see... or it was just too easy.  Last week should have been my first week back on the job but I was busy writing other things.  So, I've got a real treat for you this week, if a treat is something that's long and you have to read.  I'll be reviewing two movies this week!  Yay, double feature!  No, don't go!  Okay, go get a drink first... I'll get one too.  Good?  Aight.

I really hope that's not a walk of shame...

What's sure to become a classic among teens thirteen to sixteen years of age, until they learn how to drive and of course, drive themselves to their own proms and a night of utter disappointment after this movie gets their hopes up, I give you Disney's Prom.  That's not to be confused with Disney's Tron, of course.  I can just see it, in two months when this movie is on video and some poor sap is trying to tell his girlfriend on the phone what video he wants from the video store, if they still exist, "No, I said Disney's Tron!  Not Prom!  Damn you, AT&T!"  There will be countless, unnecessary deaths, just more blood on Disney's hands.  That Space Mountain ride is more dangerous then they let on.

Let's just dive right into this one, shall we?  Cover your ears, here comes the spoilers: in this film, a bunch of high school kids and probably some old guy who has a crush on a high school girl... will go to prom and, in general, have a good time.  Phew, I'm not trying to toot my own horn here, but this job ain't exactly easy.  Since I've said literally all there is to say about Disney's Prom, and might have said too much, on to the next flick!

It's like someone threw up on a Mondrian painting... the throw-up being the people's faces.

If I'm ever married, after Hell freezes over and the sun turns red and engulfs the solar system, and if I make a movie for women like the movies aimed towards women that I've watched, I would hope that my wife would have the intelligence and self-respect to punch me square in paunch.  I've seen all sorts of movies about murderers, thieves, psychos, and politicians, and I think that all of those terrible people handle human relationships better than anyone in a romantic comedy.  I'm sorry, women, but the female characters in romantic comedies do, and are, the exact opposite of everything you all say you will never ever do and never will be, and yet you pay money to enjoy them.  And it's not like Jackass where I pay money to watch them do scary, stupid things I would never try but always wanted to see someone try and get hurt doing.  It's more like, "I would never betray my best friend by stealing their boyfriend!  But that movie, Something Borrowed, where that girl was in love with her bestest bestie's fiance?  That was so romantic!"  No!  It isn't!

Something Borrowed is probably one of the most clever titles I've heard for a romantic comedy... and yes I know it's a book, but shush, it's probably clever for the book too.  The title describes exactly what I assume the plot is; something borrowed from here, something borrowed from there.  To my understanding, the complicated tale of love and betrayal goes a li'l something, like this.  Rachel, a young woman in law school, meets Dex, also in law school, and they hit is off, obviously.  Before she can get up the nerve (she's gonna be a lawyer and she can't get up the nerve?) to tell him how she feels because, in this fantasy, it's the men who act like they're aloof, her BFF Darcy swoops right in and snatches him from her.  Rachel says nothing and six years later, Dex and Darcy are engaged and Rachel's got a bad case of the regrets.  And to make matters worse, it looks like Darcy and Dex end up having a last minute roll in the hay.  So now, Rachel's gotta hold in the secret that she loves her best friend's fiance while trying to not be mad that Darcy stole him from her in the first place.  Oh, and that she slept with him, but it was an accident!  It definitely wasn't an accident.  Whoops.

Pictured: Accident

How are these people friends?  How do people even have friends in romantic comedies?  Darcy looks like a total bitch.  She'd have to be, to be great friends with Rachel, be able to tell that she likes Dex because good friends know those things, and then have the gall to demand that he ask her out.  That works on guys, by the way, happens all the time; we're puppets.  And then the friendship lasts for six more years until they get engaged, and Rachel is still just sitting there kicking herself all that time?  That's an awesome friendship, one that continues on lies and suppressed feelings.  If anyone reading this right now thinks that last line sounds awfully familiar, you should probably reevaluate some of your decisions, cause that's not friendship.

To be happy in a romantic comedy, someone has to be hurt, and it's not always the people who deserve it, and when it is, it's still not right.  Even if Rachel and Dex end up together, Darcy is now hurt and has to live with the fact that she was engaged to a big fat lie.  Nobody in this movie looks happy, at all.  Dude isn't happy that he's marrying Darcy, cause he cheats.  Darcy, who is a treasure trove of great advice like, 'You're too old to be picky," and "If people fell in love based on their similarities...," also isn't sure she wants to marry the guy.  Not because she grows a heart and realizes she emotionally murdered her best friend, no, it's because she isn't sure if she even cares, like, whatevs?  A woman wrote this character?  Rachel is obviously miserable and is such a great friend that she is prepared to be miserable for her entire life while still being friends with these two people.  Killing yourself with regret is not being a great friend.  I have literally depressed myself explaining all of this, and some girl somewhere is gonna say that this movie is cute and funny.  'Romantic' and 'comedy' are pretty much the last words I would use to describe what this piece of trash looks like.  This situation in real life would be considered 'drama' and lives would probably be ruined because of it.  Or not, because humans just keep everything inside until it destroys us.

"I just have to put up with this for fifty more years... then I'll be dead."

And now, on to the poor saps who signed up to be these terrible human beings.  Kate Hudson I can see, she makes awful choices.  Actually, she already did a movie sorta like this, just gender-reversed; My Best Friend's Girl, starring comedy geniuses Jason Biggs and Dane Cook.  She seems drawn to characters that are terrible people, maybe so she can try to make them seem cute.  Doesn't work.  I'll always remember you from Almost Famous though, and I'll go, wow, her career went straight down the shitter.  Goldie Hawn must be furious.  Oh wait, she did the same thing.  I'm not sure if Ginnifer Goodwin is Rachel Leigh Cook, or if it's the other way around.  Scary that her character's name is Rachel in this, too.  I know nothing of her career but it looks like she's on Big Love so she's trying, I guess. This was probably just a paycheck and another slap in the face to Rachel Leigh Cook.  Where is she, by the way?  She used to be all that.  Little humor there... or not.

Colin Egglesfield... haha, really?    Sounds like a British airport.  He seems handsome and interchangeable enough.  Good choice, casting director, you picked another faceless hunk out of the crowd.  Glad to see you're earning your pay.  And John Krasinski, get back to The Office!  You're not branching out in this genre if I have anything to say about it.  Do a thriller!  Don't be Jim, or gay Jim, as you seem to be in this movie.  I heard him say in an interview he wanted to do this because there hasn't been a movie about people in their thirties trying to figure out their lives in a long while.  No Strings Attached, The Dilemma, Just Go With It, and Hall Pass, are the only ones... that came out since the start of 2011.  You were even in one a while ago called Away We Go.

"I shoulda left before before Steve Carell... and four years ago..."

I guess I did my spoiler predicting a little bit in that rambling paragraph I wrote about how shitty romantic comedies should make everyone feel.  I honestly can't imagine that this ends with Rachel and Dex apart, they're so goddamned star-crossed, but then that means that the BFF friendship is over.  It probably never should have existed in the first place, what with Kate Hudson's character being such a bitch and with Rachel Leigh Cook's clone content being the dumpy tag along.  Great character and relationship development.  Original.  My hope is that it ends with Darcy and Dex married, and to keep her friendship with Rachel alive, she allows her to 'borrow' Dex every other Thursday.  Get it?  Something Borrowed?  Now, that's a well written and realistic relationship if I do say so myself.  I'm hoping they wait until the wedding to have all of this come crashing down because, if you're gonna ruin a life, you might as well do it in front of all of your family and friends.  It makes it easier in the future since nobody has to tell the story of how all of their friendships fell apart, because everyone was invited to the shit storm... and they served cocktail weenies!

Oh, and I'm sorry again, women, if I sounded at all chauvinistic in this article.  I've met a couple of you and you seem like together people with competent and functioning brains.  That's why it really confuses me why women allow Hollywood to force feed them the idea that all they need to become a stronger, more independent woman is to give up their dreams and become some strong-willed man's property.  And without a man, a woman's life is apparently unbearable.  These are the things I learn from romantic comedies.  But who am I kidding, they're not forcing anything on you, you all willingly shell out ten bucks to see this same old horse shit time and time again.  I can't blame Hollywood.  If I could take a poop every day and someone willingly pays to look at it, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

This way, I wouldn't even have to stand up to show it off.  This got weird quick.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Obama/America FTW

Well, we're together as a nation for three minutes, let's all overanalyze this until Republicans have something to complain about.  We can't accomplish something in this country without examining every inch of it until we stumble on the part that doesn't sit right with a certain group, and then that group talks about it louder than everyone else for the next six weeks.  Come election time, we won't even remember Osama bin Laden is dead, we'll only know that the opposing candidate claims he won't take credit for things the military does... even though he will be the Commander-in Chief and will have direct control over any operation he chooses.  That's one of his duties.

Negotiating superhero alliances is another.

All I keep hearing, you know between all the goodwill and cheer and bittersweet victory that this event has brought all of the people who aren't looking at it in any political way, is, 'Obama didn't do anything, it was the soldiers.  Another president would have given the credit where it's deserved, to the military!'  Yeh, I'm sure Bush Jr., the guy with the Mission Accomplished banner on the aircraft carrier, would have been very selfless.  But I can't say that for sure, because he didn't accomplish this mission.  I can only assume and speculate and praise him as white Jesus, while Obama haters are free to take what they heard right this second and spin it around in their heads until it smells like just the right consistency of shit.

In the speech he made, he literally says, "thanks to the tireless efforts of our military...."  The reason he says 'our' military, 'our' intelligence community, is because it is the American military and intelligence community.  He thanks the military several times for a job well done.  If you got any sense that he was congratulating himself personally for carrying a gun into that house and putting one in bin Laden's bearded noggin, I think you have a brain tumor that's affecting your hearing and comprehension of the English language.  Obama is doing nothing different than any other president in this situation would do.  It's not his fault that every other person in America is functionally retarded and has an image of the president as a hardened action hero who does his own dirty work.  That's Harrison Ford's fault.  He took that plane back!

This is how he addressed the Senate the next day.

Bush sent us to Iraq and Afghanistan.  I say Bush did, because, I don't know any of the hundreds of other people involved in that decision, and I'm pretty sure, ultimately, the final call was his to make.  President Obama literally has the exact same job as President Bush does.  People seem to forget that fact because they're so blinded by the ignorant shit they hear on the 24-hour news stations that they can't use cognitive thought to make up their own mind about anything.  You think Reagan was a economic genius because Bill O'Reilly yelled it at you.  You think 9/11 was a conspiracy because Glenn Beck told you while he was coating himself in peanut butter.  If 9/11 was a conspiracy, we have too much goddamned time on our hands.  You think that, because of all of this unmitigated hatred for Obama... and that his name kinda sounds like Osama, the newscasters still can't get that straight, and his middle name is Hussein, which some people couldn't help but mention during the election... that he is an overconfident, egomaniacal, anti-Christ who can't wait to resurrect Hitler and let him be F├╝hrer of Health Care.

But, guess what?  We got bin Laden, and the dude told them to.  Awesome.  I'm not trying to glorify bin Laden's death.  I'm not 'happy' he's dead, but I am relieved.  How could you not be?  This is the real reason the armed forces went to the Middle East, if you don't remember.  Who would remember though, after all the other stuff we got sidetracked by?  The primary mission we started almost ten years ago is finally over.  He was the face of a terror organization that made it illegal for me to bring my hair gel on an airplane.  The fight against Al-Qaeda surely isn't over, but this should deal them a decisive blow.  This is the kind of event that should unite us as a country, not bog us down in bullshit.  It shouldn't matter what you think of Obama as a person, what matters is that the American forces worked together and accomplished a goal.  Obama was literally the first person to mention that the military accomplished that goal.  It's on video.  You can watch him say it to your face.  Use the internet that you're on right now to do some research, maybe you'll learn something true for once, if you dig deep enough.  Or you'll find some cute pictures of kittens and get totally distracted.

Knew it...

All I heard during Bush's presidency from the right side of the nut house, 'nut house' being politics, was that you have to follow and obey your president.  We went to Iraq because shut up, he's the president.  Now that the tables turned, apparently it's okay to hate, and make fun of, and be racist towards, and disobey your president.  I'm not saying people were nice to Bush, they weren't, but the guy wasn't exactly articulate and his presidency wasn't a bright spot.  Everything Obama does wrong, or people think he did wrong, it's solely his fault.  Everything he does well, it was obviously someone much more Republican that had the idea first.  Whenever he passes a bill people don't like, the people blame him and him alone.  "Healthcare?  More like, Obamacare!  Hahahaha, god we're clever.  If only we were actually productive members of humanity."  But whenever he does something good, like give the order to take out bin Laden after months of intelligence gathering, it's always someone else people want to give the credit to, leaving him out completely.  Like Palin apparently just did.  She gave Bush the win on this one.  Good for her.  Good to see she thinks she's relevant.

And how exactly does the Right, Tea Partyers, and the terribly named 'Birthers' live with themselves?  They blame the president for not doing the right things while they block everything he tries to do and then waste more time trying to convince us he's from Kenya.  As if it would even be possible for him to be president for three years without proof of natural citizenship.  And then the questions about his past?  People don't remember him before he was in politics?  People at his college don't remember him?  Let me tell you something, chump, I'm gonna ask people at your college thirty years from now if they remember you.  I bet there might be one or two, out of your friends, that do.  The vast majority of the student body, won't remember, and also won't give a shit they don't remember, cause they have lives of their own now.  You can't just ask a random person that went to your school if they know you, you would have had to make some impact.  I guarantee if you ask people at Columbia in a decade if they remember me, they won't.  And I'm popular.  I have my own blog.  And I didn't know a prerequisite for being the leader of our country was that you had to be famous and liked by literally everyone when you were younger.

Although, everyone remembers the six year old with the Labradoodle scalp on his head.

So, if this rambling piece of sensationalism had any point, it would be to stop watching newscasters who have nothing better to do than sit around all day and analyze.  Take the time and actually form your own personal opinion, through research.  If you want to hate Obama, that's fine, it's your opinion, but have a goddamned reason.  A real reason.  One that you didn't see on Fox News, or O'Reilly, or Beck... oh wait, he got kicked off the air cause he's a psychopath.  And yeah, bin Laden's death shouldn't be turned into a national holiday, but the honest truth is, some assholes just don't deserve to live.  And he had his place on that list.  Let's not be all 'hippy' about killing a mass murderer and a straight-up dopey looking, pompous ass.  I think even Martin Luther King Jr. wouldn't exactly cry about this one.  And, in closing, please... I beg of you,  and this is from the bottom of my heart.  If you truly love your freedom of speech like you keep screaming about, and you truly love this country, then for the love of whatever you hold holy... just admit you don't like Obama because he's black.  Please?  For me?  Cause as far as I can tell... that's really all you've got.

But what do I know... I didn't vote.  Whoops.  You read all that for nothin'.

Oh, and I didn't see The Daily Show tonight, so if there's anything similar, Stewart stole it from me.