Movies I Haven't Seen: The Lincoln Lawyer

This was a tough week for me.  I couldn't decide whether or not I wanted to pull a review out of my ass.  But, yes I start sentences with but, after the success of my Drive Angry in 3D review that led to the movie bombing terribly at the box office that I take full credit for, and the fact that I missed a gem of a flick last week in Red Riding Hood because the trailers shockingly didn't give away enough for me to make a serious call on the ending, I have to work this week.  I have to destroy some people's moviegoing weekend because it just feels so right every time and I've missed doing it.  How dare you spend money on subpar filmmaking that I haven't taken the time to see myself.  But on the flip-side, I'm saving you at least seven dollars, depending on how much theaters rape your wallet where you live.  And you know you love that I save your wallet from being taken advantage of.  Yes you.  Don't look behind you, I'm talking to you...OH MY GOD, WHAT IS THAT!?

Surprised he's not surfing on that thing...

It feels strange making fun of a movie that's based off of a bestselling novel.  I feel like I'm ripping on a book I've never read, and I wouldn't stoop so low as to review a book that I've never read.  Don't read into that, just continue.  So I'll just disclaim...damn that's not the verb version of disclaimer....I had hopes. I have not read this book so every terrible thing I say about this movie is only pertaining to the movie.  There, conscience sated.  Now I can get back to what is good and just, reviewing a movie that I think looks like shit.  I guess shit isn't the right word.  There are movies that you see the trailers for and you go, "Wow, that looks like absolute shit.  My eyes are bleeding."  Those are the movies that make this blog a dream.  I ripped right through The Roommate without a care in the world.  But then there are movies you see that, honestly, don't look like someone wrote it while going through the worst diarrhea of their life.  Some of these bad movies actually look like people put a lot of time, effort, and yes, cold hard cash, into.  The Lincoln Lawyer looks like one of the later.  Someone read this book, wrote a screenplay, got it onto the screen, and it doesn't really look like they just want to make money off of it or show off your new hair that your ten year old son styled and cut himself...Nic.  But regardless of the slight praise I may have just given it, I don't know if saying it's not a money whore is really praise, it still doesn't mean it's going to be an engaging or original movie.

The Lincoln Lawyer is about a lawyer.  I know it's tough, but stay with me on this one.  This lawyer, he's a special one, he has an office in the back of a snazzy Lincoln.  See where they got the title?  He's a laid back kind of guy who doesn't follow all of your fancy-schmancy rules.  He's also a defense attorney, you know, one of the guys who takes that 'everyone deserves a fair trial' saying and changes it to, 'everyone is innocent as long as they've got enough money. ' Yeah, that's him.  And he and his wife are separated and he's a half-time father.  And you expect us to like this guy by the end?  A doozy of a case gets dropped in his lap.  A rich playboy allegedly beats up a hooker and gets nabbed.  But his money swears he didn't do it!  But as the trailer suggests, maybe he did?  And by suggests I mean it's not even a spoiler, it literally shows him beating up the woman in the trailer.  I thought that was supposed to be the twist but twists are so 1999.  It ain't Primal Fear I guess.  Never saw that either, but I know things...  But regardless, it's time for the morally ambiguous lawyer to defend the hell out of him and get him back on the street!  The west coast is just chock full of ice cream eating prostitutes that need a good 'talking to.'

See?  

This flick is absolutely stacked from the windows to the wall with people you would expect to pick better projects than a straight-up courtroom drama.  "But it takes place in the back of a Lincoln!"  Shut up, I doubt it!  He's still gotta go to court!  William H. Macy and Bryan Cranston are on hit TV shows and this is what they do during their breaks?  And you know Macy is on break because he's got the same hairstyle as in Shameless, on Showtime Sundays.  Shameless plug.  Pun.  Skipping right over John Leguizamo we come to Josh Lucas.  You know what I like about Josh Lucas?  He's a better Matthew McConaughey.  That's because he actually does more character roles instead of picking out a script where the character description says, 'A Josh Lucas-like man.'  It's gonna be bizarre to see him and McC yelling at each other in the courtroom...when they're like, the same dude.  What's weird is, he kind of reminds me of a mix between Bradley Cooper and McConaughey...which is creepy, because all of these people just had movies open this week.  I smell conspiracy.  I bet if someone was good at Photoshop, they could Photoshop a creepy hybrid of any two of those three men and it would look like the third.

Shit, nope.  That's Patrick Wilson.  I suck at Photoshop.

You know what I don't like about Matthew McConaughey, other than having to keep looking up how to spell that name?  I keep getting older and he stays at the same level of acting prowess as his cameo in Dazed and Confused.  I know there have been a million and one jokes about McC but I seriously just scanned through his filmography and there are two movies I like.  Three if you count Angels in the Outfield.  You get a lollipop if you even remember he's in that movie.  I didn't.  But I'm gonna eat one anyway.  He sure likes to be McConaughey, but I gotta say this for him, he's damn good at that.  I was gonna say at least this isn't a shitty romantic comedy with him as the romantic lead, until I realized this is like, the fourth time he's played a lawyer.  A lawyer!  Ryan Phillippe is the wannabe hoodlum, beating up on little girls.  I can see the draw of that role though, play the supposedly innocent rich boy with a dark and disturbing secret.  Are we sure this isn't Primal Fear?  I got no beef with Phillippe.  Seems like a decent boy.  Glad he got away from being the pretty boy in his Cruel Intentions days.  And then we come to Marisa Tomei.  McConaughey's ex-wife?  Yeah, I can see it.  Sad that she's in this and not, you know, something better, but I'll takes my Tomei where I can get it.  And enough with the 'Marisa Tomei didn't deserve the Oscar' horseshit.  Here's who she was up against that year: Some chick I don't know, some other chick I don't know, the old chick from Mission: Impossible, and the old chick from Sleepy Hollow.  Come on!  Give it up already!  With such a crazy cast, could it be possible that this could be a crazy good mo...oh, Trace Adkins is in this too.  Nevermind.  What, was Billy Ray Cyrus busy?

Okay, so, doesn't really look like a shit movie, the cast has some very notable faces and a...guh...country singer, so what is my deal with this movie?  Why am I not lining up right now to see it?  Why am I writing about this flick in a column designed to be about terrible movies that you should not spend your hard earned money on?  'Cause it's a freakin' legal drama.  You can't write a new legal drama.  It's all been done before.  I will write one right now as if I am a five year old and it will fit the plot of this movie.  And here come the spoilers.  Lawyer guy is good at job.  Lawyer guy gets big case.  Lawyer guy starts to feel uneasy about case.  Lawyer guy's case starts to intrude in his personal life.  Lawyer guy takes drastic measures to ensure safety of his family and put the bad dude he's defending behind bars, all while saving his reputation.  Okay, some of that language got a little old for a supposed five year old writing a movie, but you get the gist.  That's the movie, right there.  I'll fill in the blanks for you if you want.  McC gets this huge case where the defendant is willing to pay for his innocence and McC is just the cat to do it.  As he starts getting deep in it, he realizes that this 'nice guy' might be a douche and now McC has to decide if he's gonna drop it or continue defending.  The rich, innocent, pretty boy starts to get a lot less pretty and innocent as he threatens McC and his family.  But the money!  Someone has gotta die in this movie after discovering the pure psycho-ness of Phillippe, and my money is either on Macy, Cranston, or Leguizamo.  One of them is croaking, it is a sacrifice to the movie gods, and then there will be rain for twenty days for the crops.  I got off track.  Either McC is gonna pull some fast one on Phillippe and somehow get some damning evidence that sends him up to Folsom, or Phillippe is gonna push McC too hard and run up against the pure might of McConaughey, which will kill him instantly.  And McC will stand above him, blood on his hands, Tomei at his side, and scream to the smoggy heavens, "Alright, alright, alright!"  And then it'll be about time for him to take that shirt off.  Smash cut to credits!

This will be the last thing Ryan Phillippe sees.

So, like I said before, I can't really say that this is going to be an awful movie, because it really doesn't look awful.  But it is gonna be a courtroom drama, and if you've seen one you've pretty much seen them all.  I could even say if you've seen one Matthew McConaughey courtroom drama, you've seen them all.  That's a genre, a Matthew McConaughey courtroom drama.  What's next, Katherine Heigl psychological thrillers?  Robert Pattinson musicals?  Actually...

Best/Worst/What the What? of 2010

Since I'm a huge follower and couldn't come up with an original concept if it punched me right in the duodenum, I decided to again do something everyone and their mother has done every year since lists were invented by cave wives who were sick and tired of their cave men going out and forgetting to bring back any goddamn pterodactyl eggs.  Yes, I'm writing a list of things I liked and didn't like, movies to be more specific.  How f'n original.  I know.  Shut up.  I decided to make a best of list right before the Oscars because if nothing I've got great timing.  Twenty-ten (2010) was a good year for movies, I think.  It's a hell of an Oscar race this year and I still can't quite narrow down who's gonna take home the big prize.  Maybe it'll be Toy Story 3 and we'll all start crying because that movie was too freakin' sad...stupid Pixar.  I need a tissue.

So I'll start off with my Best of 2010.  Remember this is my 'best of' so if you don't agree...bite me.  Oh, and I never call movies, films.  I heard too many people in film school call their five minute, odes to themselves, piles of garbage, films.  I saw a lot of good ones, you know who you are, but I also saw a lot of terrible ones.  I just can't stomach that word anymore.  I'm not saying I'm the new Bergman and my movies were great but...actually admitting that firmly set me apart from most of them so I'm happy with that.

I won't watch any films that don't have subtitles because I'm a grumpy-ass. 

That was the first picture that came up when I Googled grumpy.  It's not my picture, don't sue me.  I couldn't resist.  On to the list!

#10.  Jackass 3D - Ha!  I know right?  A film of the highest caliber!  Out of the remainder of the movies I've seen this year that are going to be award winners and were good but didn't make this list, none made me laugh so hard and almost throw up as much as Jackass 3D.  You could say it's not really a movie, but it's entertainment at it's basest form.  I will watch everything these guys do because that means I don't have to try any of the insane things they do and sometimes they get hurt and I think self-inflicted human pain is hilarious.  Someone walking into something unawares makes me giggle.  Also, this is the second best use of 3D this year...and I hate 3D.  I think it's worthless, unless you use it like the Jackass gang did, knowing it's a worthless medium and playing that up in every bit.  I'm gonna be sad when this comes to 3D Blu-ray and I don't have a 3D TV.  I hope Jackass 4ever hurries up and gets here.  I made that title up.

#9.  127 Hours - Remember those stories you might have heard about people passing out at early screenings of this movie, because of the realistic self-amputation?  Well, it was all true, because I seen it! My buddy passed out, hard.  And I wasn't feeling too hot myself.  I see heads explode and limbs torn off all the time in movies, but the realism of Aron Ralston's fight for survival is what makes this film stand out.  James Franco lives every dehydrating moment and makes us feel it and when the time comes to free himself, they don't hold anything back.  Danny Boyle hits directing gold again here.  I still haven't seen a movie of his I don't like...and yes that includes The Beach.  If you do see this, make sure you're plenty hydrated, have eaten an ample amount during the day, and have no problem seeing someone cut through tendons...it's like a broken bass guitar string, if you were wondering.

#8.  Social Network - I remember when this was announced and everyone in the theater just groaned.  And now look at it, the little Facebook movie that could.  I read a review of the script that said it was one of the best written scripts of the decade and that surely wasn't a lie.  It's a talky, that's for sure, but you can't really expect less from the guy who created The West Wing.  The story is great, the music is awesome, and most of the acting is top notch.  I'm still not on board with Jesse Eisenberg...I swear it's that voice...but maybe he'll grow on me.  The real acting credit should go to Armie Hammer who plays not one but both Winklevoss twins, something I didn't know until weeks after I saw it.  I coulda swore that was a set of twins.

#7.  Toy Story 3 - If they show that damn end scene from this just like they did at the Globes, I swear to Buddah I'm gonna...who am I kidding, I'm just gonna start crying again.  Way to go Pixar, thanks for reminding me what it felt like to be a kid and say good-bye to childhood.  It's crazy for a sequel to be as good as the original, but a threequel?  That's kind of unheard of.  Pixar has some magic movie wand that they just wave over their finished movies and people around the world just up and love every damn minute of them.  If you haven't noticed I really haven't mentioned anything about the movie because I don't want to bring up any memories of it...ah dammit there we go.  It's a humbling thing to sit in a theater full of parents and kids as a twenty-six year old and realize that every kid in the theater isn't paying attention, but you're near tears.  Stupid Pixar.  Just...go see it.  I need my teddy bear.

#6.  The Town - Why yes, it was directed by Ben Affleck.  No, don't go away!  He's coming back!  He's a good director, honest!  Gone Baby Gone was one of my favorites of 2007 and he's taken a big step getting in front of the camera again and even directing himself.  I'm proud of him.  The Town doesn't really break any new ground when it comes to heist movies but the story and acting is enough to set this one up above.  Ben does okay for himself but Jeremy Renner, the uber-badass from The Hurt Locker, you know, the movie that put Avatar in it's place last year, tears some shit up acting-wise in this movie.  The scene by the graveyard alone should have guaranteed him another statue...if it hadn't been for Christian Bale that is.  I'm excited to see what else Ben has for us in the future.

#5.  Get Him to the Greek - This semi-sequel to Forgetting Sarah Marshall really didn't do it for me the first time I watched it.  I thought it was as funny as Sarah Marshall but didn't think it was terribly special.  And then I watched it on video, and I laughed my ass off...through pretty much the entire movie.  The amount of effort they put into making these characters real fake celebrities is ridiculous.  People hate Russell Brand but I'm not really sure why.  Yeah, he's a doofus but holy shit he's a funny doofus.  I really want to see him in The Tempest to gauge his acting chops but for now, I'm happy enough with Aldous Snow and his increasingly ridiculous escapades.  There's even a couple touching scenes at the end of the movie...and a Jaws reference!  I love Jaws.  And Kristen Bell is in it for ten seconds so that's gotta count for something.  But seriously, crack a beer and just enjoy the inanity, it'll do you good.  The world doesn't have to be all about your hang-ups, you can just have a good time sometimes.  Oh, and P. Diddy is hilarious.  Never thought I'd say that.

#4.  The Fighter - Two minutes into this movie, I leaned over to my friend and said, "Can we just give Christian Bale the Oscar now?"  It seriously only takes two minutes to realize this is his best role ever and that it's probably the best performance of the year.  That being said, I wasn't too sure this was one of my fav movies of the year, but then I thought about it quite a bit, watched it again, and realized it really was.  Obviously Bale makes it, but everyone else in this movie just nails their roles.  Melissa Leo as the overbearing mother and her gaggle of harpy daughters.  Amy Adams kills it as the tough as nails girlfriend.  And yes, after thinking about it for a very, very long time, I have to admit that Mark Wahlberg as the soft spoken lead amongst a sea of insane people is exactly what the movie needed to hold together.  And I like the almost documentary, almost not feel of the movie.  I just wish the director wasn't such a prick.  Doesn't sway my opinion on the movie but I can still think it.

#3.  Inception - Bwaaaaaaaaaan.  Bwaaaaaaaan.  Yeah, that's the sound.  It's Inception.  I don't care if he stole the premise from a Scrooge McDuck comic, it's still awesome.  I'm glad Leo forgot about being a pretty boy after Titanic (My second James Cameron burn of the evening?  Maybe it's because he's an unoriginal hack?) because he has made up for it with just pure talent after.  This movie is the blockbuster of the year.  Yeah, it had a lot of exposition but, if it didn't, would we really get it?  Seriously?  And that ending, jeeeeeeeeeeeeezus.  If it doesn't win the visual effects Oscar for its not quite CGI visual effects, I might throw a fit.  An original film, with great actors, done in a traditional style of filmmaking, and entertaining as hell, summer movies don't get any better than this.  A lot of movies don't exactly get any better than this.  Overrated you say?  Maybe...wait...hell no.  You're overrated.

#2.  Scott Pilgrim vs. The World - Mark this one down as my most watched movie of 2010.  I have never gotten tired of it after many a repeated viewing.  Turning a comic/video game world into a film world can't be easy, but Edgar Wright and company made it seamless.  I don't know how many times I nerdgasmed when Legend of Zelda music started playing.  The only person in the cast I was weary of was Michael Cera (as you'll see later on the list) but he turned around and sucker punched me with a laid back, quirky performance as the titular hero worthy of George Michael Bluth himself.  Their greatest success was creating a world where video games melded seamlessly with reality, where people broke into wire-aided kung-fu as seamlessly as they break into song in musicals, but with an actual reason.  Scott Pilgrim wins his movie, and so do we.

#1.  Black Swan - If you would have said that a horror movie would be my favorite movie of the year, I would have slapped you and then laughed in your face.  I hate horror movies.  They are dumb.  Black Swan is very nearly a horror movie.  It scared the ever-loving shit out of me.  I have never been so anxious in a movie as I was in this one.  I even jumped a couple times, and it wasn't because the music just happened to get louder at that moment, it was a true scare.  Natalie Portman went all out for this one and showed us that she's not just playing around anymore.  She proved she's willing to go to some dark depths for her role.  Throw in an always good Vincent Cassel as a crazy dance instructor and a 'completely forgotten about That 70s Show' Mila Kunis as the 'nemesis', and you've got a well rounded, terrifying look into the pressure of success and the necessity for perfection.  I don't know about all of you, I've always hated nail files and nail clippers...and now I'm terrified of them.  I haven't tended to my cuticles since December 3rd.

Not in the face!  Not in the...it's too late, it's in her face.

So, there you have it.  Black Swan wins!  It won't.  It won't win the big award, but Natalie Portman should and she'll make a really awkward speech because if we don't give these people something to say, they're lost.  Now I'll thrill you, as if you already aren't, with my picks for the Worst Flicks of 2010.  A bit of a disclaimer, I know what movies I'm going to like and won't, so it's possible that I didn't really see the very worst of last year because I kind of figured I wouldn't like them anyway.  These are the worst of the movies that I saw because I had an inkling that they might have some potential.  Boy, was I wrong.  Dead wrong...

#5  The Wolfman - I had a little bit of hope for the remake of The Wolfman, mostly because I didn't exactly like the original Wolfman and I'm not really a big fan of werewolves.  I got excited because Anthony Hopkins decided to not be retired anymore, for like the month that he was, and did this movie.  And Benicio Del Toro is always good stuff.  This movie was not.  It was the same old, same old, packaged in a shiny new box, with a whole shit load of gore.  The gore was good.  I enjoyed the gore.  But when that's the only good thing I can say, that when the Wolfman stuck his claws into that guy's throat and they came out his mouth that was really cool, that's not a shining endorsement for the intellectual foundation of the movie.  And Anthony Hopkins, come on!  Act for God's sakes!  I know it's probably just a paycheck but...please!  We need you!  Now more than ever!

#4  Buried - I really thought this would be good.  I did, I swear.  I like Ryan Reynolds.  He's got a lot of stuff going for him.  And a movie about him in a coffin buried alive for a whole movie?  I'm interested!  Oh, wait, it really is just him in a coffin for that long.  Oh.  Okay.  I'll keep watching.  Oh here comes the end.  Oh...oh...oh!  Wait what!?  Oh, goddamn you Ryan Reynolds.  How dare you!  I stuck up for you!  Is there a hidden meaning I'm missing?  No?  Okay, still, goddamn you.  With all the buzz this movie was getting, and all the reviews, and it turned around and just pissed on my feet.  I hate it.  "But it's avant-garde..." Shut your face!  I'm sick of you.  I don't even know what avant-garde means and if I did, I'd still probably think it was talking down to me.  Dumb sack of...I'll get you for this!  I will!  Like Dr. Claw...

#3 The Killer Inside Me - Nobody saw this movie.  And if you did, congratulations, hopefully you were as bored as I was.  It looked like an interesting movie.  Cop turns out to be crazy, cooks up some scheme to screw over some people and get out of town.  At least I think that's what it was about.  Just seemed a little plodding and, what's the phrase I'm looking for here...oh yeah, not good.  Yes, I'll admit, I liked looking at Jessica Alba for a few minutes, but after that, there needs to be something going on there.  She's not exactly the actress you look towards if you want to find something going on.  She doesn't even follow scripts.  I like Casey Affleck.  Like I said, Gone Baby Gone is one of my favorites.  But I just don't get this.  Maybe that's my fault.  No.  It's not.  Dumb.  I read some guy thought this missed out on an Oscar nod...that guy was dumb.  Have you noticed I'm partial to the word dumb?

#2 The Other Guys/Dinner For Schmucks - I wanted five worst movies, I ended up with six, so I'm bunching these two together because I saw them back-to-back weeks and I hated them pretty equally so they felt like the same four hours of bullshit.  I wanted to like both movies, I really did.  I'm not trying to be uptight here, honest, my tenth favorite film is Jackass 3D and its diarrhea volcano.  But these movies were just...bad.  I had higher hopes for The Other Guys and it let me down.  I mean just pile-drived my favorite childhood pet into the ground, hard.  I'm not sure how Marky Mark got into one of the best movies of the year and one of the very worst, but he pulled it off.  Dinner For Schmucks was slightly better, but being slightly better than shit isn't a shining endorsement.  About halfway through I realized that I didn't know what I was doing there anymore.  I just hated Steve Carrell's character, all of the other people in the movie, and god forbid Paul Rudd.  I usually love Paul Rudd!  Not this year.  Dammit.

#1 Youth In Revolt - Pretentious doesn't even describe this garbage.  If you spend your days glancing at a thesaurus because you need to find a more educated synonym for words that peasants use, this is your movie.  Have fun gagging on your own hubris.  Teenagers, who range from the ages of thirteen to nineteen, like the ones in this very movie, do not speak like they have already graduated with a double bachelors in poetry and classic literature like the characters in this movie do.  Teens that I've overheard talking at the mall say the f-word a lot and then giggle when somebody says boob.  Ha!  Boob.  Sorry.  Maybe this movie wasn't made for me.  It's possible.  Maybe these kids exist, I don't care.  I hate them.  I hated Michael Cera for this until Scott Pilgrim came out and then I forgave him, because he talked like a normal human being in that movie.  And I know it's not his fault that his character liked the smell of his own ass, so I'll blame it on Gustin Nash, the hipster dickhole who wrote the script for this pile of shit.  Gustin.  What a stupid, hipster name.  Oh and Michael Cera acting like a badass?  Nope.  Again, I'll watch Scott Pilgrim, cause he didn't act like a badass in that, he was a badass, although very insecure.  Good character!  Best fighter in the province.  Oh, hey, people who like Youth In Revolt, you suck.  Look that up in a thesaurus all you want, doesn't change the meaning.  I'm sorry, I mean, it's just your opinion against mine so yada yada yada yada terrible.

This guy.  This guy likes Youth In Revolt.  STOP SOILING THE GOOD NAME OF PBR!

Wow, that was a fair amount of complaining.  For a finale, I thought I'd throw out some movies from 2010 that I was for sure that I'd call shitty.  Surprisingly, they were pretty much the opposite, as you'll read presently.  Or don't.  No skin off my nose.

Grown-Ups - Ughhhh.  I know.  It hurt me to admit it too, trust me.  But when I started laughing at several of the jokes, I realized I didn't hate it.  I laughed terribly hard at a joke about prohibition.  By the end of the movie, I saw that I was still living and hadn't smothered myself with a pillow.  I think that's as ringing an endorsement as any.  I miss the days of Adam Sandler being the immature dolt like Happy Gilmore and Billy Madison, but I can understand if he's trying to do...how do I put this without a pun?  Oh I can't?  Oh well, grown-up roles.  This seems like a step back for him but I laughed and I'm not gonna lie and say I'm above this kind of comedy.  'Cause to be honest, I love a good immature joke, and so does everyone else.  Kevin James still isn't terribly funny to me, though.  All of my street cred...gone, after that review.

Daybreakers - What is this movie you may be asking?  It's fair, it wasn't exactly celebrated on it's release...in January or February or whenever that was.  And yes, it's a vampire movie.  "Oh my god, it's dumb, vampires are dumb."  No, Twilight vampires are dumb, and they're not vampires.  Real, gruesome, kill-your-whole-family vampires are sweet.  That's what you get in this, with the added pleasure of the entire population being vampires and humans are farmed for blood.  Cool.  The story was good, the acting was good, the special effects were awesome.  When the vampires got staked they exploded into fire.  Good stuff.  The world they created was great.  There was a School Zone Speed Limit sign that said, 'When children are present between the hours of 8PM to 3AM.'  Detail!  And there was lots and lots of blood.  Did I mention Willem Dafoe?  Just a cool movie.  And you probably would have never wanted to see it if not for my ringing endorsement.  You probably still don't.  I hate you.

Piranha 3D - Remember when I said Jackass 3D was the second best use of 3D this year?  Well, this was the first.  Schlocky, gruesome, and hilariously self-aware of it's own awfulness, this movie won me over almost instantly, with a big name cameo and homage to Jaws to start it all off.  3D was used to, what I consider to be, it's absolute fullest potential.  Evil fish flying at your face, dismembered... members... limbs I mean, and an underwater ballet of women, all rendered in glorious triple-dimensions.  Everybody knew they were making a B-movie and that doesn't usually end up with good results.  It usually just means they made a bad movie and tried to play it off like they were being clever.  And Christopher Lloyd!  Doc Brown!  Genius.  Pure, campy fun and the only reason 3D should used...to make fun of 3D.

I'm starting a 'More Adam Scott in 3D' club.  It was like I could touch him.

Well, those were my picks for Best, Worst, and WTF? of 2010.  Just to be clear, I wrote all of my Bests and Worsts before I watched the Oscars, which is why I didn't say who won or not.  'Cause hell if I knew. I know it's seems high and mighty of me to tell you what movies I thought were the Best and Worst but, that's what blogs are for, because there's gotta be somebody out there who thinks my opinions are valid.  Hello?  Anyone?  Dammit.  My mommy does...probably.

Movies I Haven't Seen: Drive Angry 3D

I almost didn't hit the keyboard this week.  I thought, as I lay laid up in bed for several days, that I would just let Hollywood release another shitty film and take the money they earn and buy some sweatshops in Cambodia.  I can be nice when I want to.  But then I remembered, this is the last week in February, the month that releases the worst movies ever!  And then I took a gander at what was coming out this week and February did not let me down.  It pitched me a doozy of a sinker and my duty as a fake movie reviewer got the better of me.  It's the principle of the thing, dammit!  I let Adam Sandler get away with murder last week, but I'll be damned if I do that for this...this...whatever the hell they think this is!

Although I do admit, Nic Cage is looking goo...oh...he's the gentleman in the rear.  Misleading.

This just isn't fair, is it?  This is just too easy.  I feel like this is gonna be a short one because there is literally one phrase I could use to describe this movie and 85% of the population would go, "Oh that's gonna blow chocolaty chunks."  And that phrase is, "Hey, Nic Cage is in this."  See, you just mentally boycotted this movie!  But bear with me here as I take you through an emotional 3D thrill ride that will surely make at least 37 million dollars over the weekend while all those pompous, artsy, wine sipping, know-it-alls watch their precious Academy Awards...like me.  Hey, Nic Cage!  Remember when you were at the Academy Awards?  Oh, it was 2002 with Adaptation.  Wasn't too long ago I guess.  Good movie, too.  Off track.  There's nothing classier than when a movie just has to let you know in the very title that it is in fact shot in 3D.  If movies could wear monocles, the 3D logo would be it.  It's sad that only one three-dimensional picture was nominated for Best Picture this year after Avatar's strong, and by strong I meant abysmal, showing at the previous year's ceremony.  Although, with Toy Story 3 up this year, that brings the tally of 3D animated cartoons nominated for Best Picture to two: Toy Story 3 and Avatar.  If you can take anything out of this paragraph that I'm trying to lay down, it's that Avatar was a cartoon that sucked ass and 3D sucks ass, except when coupled with something incredible like a Pixar script.  But I digress, there are some fun and campy movies made in the 3D format.  Jackass 3D was obviously one of the best movies of the year and Piranha 3D was the epitome of cheese and I actually loved every second of it.  There might be hope that Drive Angry Shot-In-3D will join those films in the ranks of shitty yet entirely re-watchable trash.  But I'm gonna bet no.

Drive Angry Shot-In-3D follows the badass character of Milton...Milton?  Really?  I said badass and you gave me Milton?  Okay.  The movie follows Milton, apparently the character from Office Space, as he escapes from Hell to...oh now I get it!  John Milton!  It's a Paradise Lost reference, right?  Yeah, I doubt it.  Paradise Lost Shot-in-3D!  Shoulda named him Dante.  He escapes from Hell after hearing that his daughter has been killed and his granddaughter has been kidnapped by an insane cult that plans on sacrificing her in three days.  Why do we let these people get tax exempt status if they're just gonna murder babies, seriously?  He vows vengeance and seeks a little bit o' redemption as he meets a girl who wants to help because she's bored, all while being chased by Satan's accountant?   That's his character name, The Accountant.  Were they sitting there writing the script and one guy is like, "The Accountant, Satan's Accountant!  Awesome!  Next scene!"  And the other guy is like, "There's so many other ominous names like, Satan's Gardener, or Satan's Interior Decorator..."  "Have you ever met an Accountant!?  They're scary as hell!" "I have actually, several of them, and none of them seemed like tough-as-nails assassins for our Demonic Lord.  What about Satan's Lawyer?"  "You're fired!"  And The Accountant stuck.

Yup.  This guy vs. Nic Cage.

So, Nicolas Coppola is in this movie if you haven't already figured that out.  Yes, the same Nicolas Coppola in Fast Times at Ridgemont High and Vampire's Kiss.  Oh, Nicolas Cage, what are you doing? He has got to have the most random career of any actor in the history of anyone.  He'll do a good movie and then decide that, I don't know, he needs three more ferraris or exotic leopards or another castle to live in and he'll go, 'I'll do this movie called Next!"  And audiences everywhere will barf.  And then he and his hair come back a couple years later, after many, many terrible roles, and throw down an awesome turn in Kick-Ass.  So, in about four years if my math is correct, expect Nic Cage to once again appear in a great role.  Until then, we get Drive Angry Shot-In-3D!  On the scale of Nic Cage's hair, I'd give this movie an 8, with 10 being Con-Air and 1 being his normal, short hair which looks fine if he'd just leave it alone.  It's a little better than the Sorcerer's Apprentice/Season of the Witch (which I'm sorta convinced was the same movie...since he had the same hair) but just as bad as Next, where it looked like he was wearing some kind of helmet around the back of his head.  I was gonna comment on his acting in the trailer but...what acting?  William Fichtner, one of my favorite hey-it's-that-guy, shows up as The Accountant.  I'm sure he's gonna be about as all right as you can be in a schlocky pile of garbage like this.  If he's bad in it, you can blame it on the director...or you can blame it on the fact that you're distracted by AMBER HEARD!  Finally we get to her.  I love...love...kinda...love Amber Heard.  If there was any reason I would see this movie, it would be to see her in 3D.

That's how 3D works, right?  If not, what exactly is the point?

If I had a choice, the rest of the pictures in this blog would be of her...every blog I ever write...ever.  She's been in a couple good movies, a couple bad ones, but I've liked everything I've seen her do.  I'm not too worried about this movie dragging her down cause she's on the up and up and she's...well look at her for Christ's sakes!.  Too bad I'll never see her in Drive Angry Shot-In-3D though.  Maybe once we're married and we're really really bored of sailing all day she'll be like, 'Hey, let's watch me out-act Nic Cage.'  And I'll laugh and take a big bite outta my dolphin burger...shit is she in PETA?  Let's not tell her I eat dolphin, okay?  Or harvest elephants for their ivory...that'd be a big no-no for PETA, I'd think.

So here it comes, the plot detail to end all plot detail-ings.  Get ready for a plot almost as complicated as Ghost Rider.  Nic Cage bites the big one in some dirty dealing, drugs, racketeering, ivory poaching (the world needs pianos!) and ends up in the fire and brimstone version of hell.  They might not even show that part but since this movie is advertised as 3D, that's literally the only thing, I think, that would look awesome with another dimension, except for Amber Heard.  I've seen car chases in 3D, it's called rush hour traffic in Chicago.  Boring.  Anyway, Cage gets a call on the Hell-phone that says his daughter is dead and her daughter is gonna be Aztec'd by a cult, and he's gotta save that baby 'cause the Catholics say that babies are as screwed as sinners and that baby would end up with him and he knows what a terrible father he was.  Instead of politely asking Lucifer if he can have a day-pass, he might have said yes, he's not an irrational demonic being, Cage decides to break out of Hell to save his granddaughter.  He...does...and grabs himself a muscle car or three and has to get to this cult in less than three days.  Why?  Maybe the Hellmouth in Sunnydale wasn't anywhere near the cult and he had to hurry, who knows?  Anyway, the movie is called Drive Angry Shot-In-3D, and he was sure as hell gonna drive angrily somewhere.  Satan gets mad that he lost a lost soul and sends his money man, who apparently knows hand-to-hand combat instead of the art of just-light-the-assholes-on-fire that Satan should be teaching his minions, after Nicky.  Cage for some reason needs to hitch another ride, he probably has the same luck with cars as he does with hairstyles, and just happens to choose Amber Heard for some reason.  Can't...really see why he would...

He probably wants her hair for his next role.

Amber has some dirty past that she's trying to get over and decides to help this recently corpse-i-fied gentleman find his granddaughter.  Somewhere in there he gets another car from David Morse who, since he shows up as a friend from his past life probably bites the big one moments later.  So Amber and Nic team up and proceed to run-over, shoot, and beat various cult people to death, all on the way to the cult leader himself who I'm sure dies in spectacular fashion, leaving a horrendous mess for the local authorities to clean up in 3D.  I've noticed that when I try to guess the ends of these movies, I usually go with the not-exactly-happy ending that I would write first, and then guess the cuddly happy ending so the people who pay for this don't bitch.  So here's the ending they should have...Nic Cage saves his granddaughter and, since he's still dead and has to go back to hell, gives her over to Amber Heard who will make a spectacular mother and has always wanted something to do since her being bored resulted in her helping a dead man kill dozens of people.  Everybody needs a hobby, why not raise a child?  The Accountant takes Nic back to hell and the cycle of damnation continues as he's forced to watch The Wicker Man over and over and over again.  The ending they'll probably tack on there is most likely, after all of the cult death, Nic Cage shoots the accountant with that crazy gun they show in the trailer, which can kill demons, I guess?  Where'd he get that, Hell?  It's just like an evil genius to keep the weapon that kills him in his own home.  Happens in The Legend of Zelda games all time.  So Nic Cage beats Hell, he saves his grandbaby and him and Amber Heard drive angrily into the sunset in 3D.  Boring.  The end.  

It might be a mix of those two endings, who knows?  Nic Cage didn't know the ending when he signed on because he probably only read to the point on the check where it said, pay to the order of Nicolas Coppola.  So, if Nic Cage doesn't care what the ending is, I don't care.  And so we say good-bye to another February, the dumping ground for movies that just weren't good enough for January.  It's amazing that they think people are going to leave their houses during blizzards to see some of these movies.  I can't for the life of me think of one good thing that would make me go to a movie in...

...oh my God, I keep forgetting!  Too bad I couldn't find Amber Heard dressed as an accountant, she would have monopolized this blog.  I'm gonna go watch The Informers about thirty times.  See you next Tuesday.

Movies I Haven't Seen: The Roommate

After having such a grand ol' time ruining a movie I hadn't seen, I figured I'd make it a reoccurring thing.  You know you were all clamoring for it, I read all about how freakin' cool I am all over the internetz.  I type my last name into Google and my disk drive spits out fifty dollars.  It warms my heart bashing the hell out of someone else's hard work, especially if I hadn't taken any of my precious time to see it and double 'specially if I haven't wasted any of my cold hard cash in the process.  I need to spend that on booze.  Need.  To.  And it's not like money just magically dispenses out of the computer...unless you're me and you tell it to.

Yeah, let's give high school graduates one more reason not to go to college...

This time around, I've got a doozy on my hands.  Welcome to what's sure to be the best teen horror flick the month of February, 2011 has to offer: The Roommate.  Before you all shit your pants in terror from what might be the scariest film title since The Shining, (seriously, The Shining sounds like the hard-knock life story of some little orphan kid who shines shoes in the airport terminal and becomes a hero after he ties the shoelaces of a would be terrorist together, tripping up his plans and saving America.  I just made that up...sounds better than this pile of shit) put the bat down for a minute and listen to the eye-gougingly terrifying synopsis, straight from the IMDB.com.  And I absolutely quote, "College student Sara finds her safety jeopardized after she's assigned to a dorm room with a new roommate, Rebecca."  If you haven't already tied a necktie to the ceiling fan and are about to kick the stool out from under you in fear, you have a stronger constitution than most.  Gaze in terror as a girl finds her safety only slightly jeopardized by a complete stranger who she now has to live with for a whole year, minus holidays!  No one in America today, where every single person gets along, should have their safety jeopardized in such a frightful manner!  I shudder at the thought of feeling like my safety is in jeopardy when in the presence of someone I've never met!  I'm not too sure but I think people get paid to write synopses like that.  That fact is scarier than most horror movies I've seen.  Especially this one, that I haven't seen.  But the deck might be stacked a little in my favor this time around because, oh wait, yes I have basically seen this, because it's a complete rip-off of Single White Female.

Since that incredibly detailed IMDB synopsis didn't seem to quite paint a clear enough picture, I'll try my hand at explaining what I think it's about after watching the trailer and a random TV spot or two I've happened to catch.  It appears that Sara goes to college, gets paired with a random roommate, Rebecca, and they have dozens of college misadventures until it turns out that Rebecca is a goddamn psycho and gets a bit clingy and possibly stab-happy.  That is nearly the exact plot of Single White Female, the only difference being that this takes place at a college instead of in Adult World, which is what I call...whatever this scary place is around me.  "But hey, movie reviewer jack-ass, it doesn't say that it's based on that stinky old person movie, so it's not."  Shut your stupid mouth while I give you a history lesson.  In 1990, before anyone who goes to see The Roommate was born, John Lutz wrote a book called SWF Seeks Same.  In 1992, a movie based on that book came out called Single White Female, which is what SWF stands for.  In 1996, Francine Pascal wrote a book called The Roommate (Sweet Valley University), which, according to the reviews on Amazon.com and the general synopsis of the book, is the exact same plot as Single White Female.  And now, in 2011, we have The Roommate.  Follow me closely here: The Roommate, the movie, is supposedly an 'original' story, ripped-off The Roommate, a supposedly 'original' novel, which was in fact a rip-off of the movie Single White Female, a very popular movie in the nineties, which was based on the book SWF Seeks Same.  The layers of bullshit do not end with this thing...but hell let's throw eight million dollars at a group of people and see if we can make a profit off of stealing?  Hmm?  Sounds good.

They'll never suspect a thing...ka-ching!

This cast is a tough one to judge, 'cause I honestly don't have the slightest idea who any of these people are, so I had to do a bit of research.  I love that the Gossip Girl cast members are attempting to jump ship from that show as quick as possible.  I guess it's pretty popular but the ten seconds I saw of it are ten seconds that I really genuinely want back so that I can use them to, I don't know, walk to the other end of my apartment and then forget what I went there for.  Probably bacon.  Leighton Meester plays the role of Rebecca, the creepy, psycho roommate...oh sorry, I meant the roommate that 'jeopardizes the safety' of the other.  What does she do, make her climb past the 'safe step' on a ladder without proper supervision?  I've never seen that Meester Meester lady in anything so I can't really say if she's slumming it or not.  I'm sure she'll play a fine...safety jeopardizing...person.  Minka Kelly, displays her fantastic talents as Sara, whose safety will most surely be in jeopardy.  And by 'displays her talents' I mean, who the hell is she?  Because I have no idea.  Oh wait, she was really good for the last three minutes of (500) Days of Summer!  No, I would have never known this was the same person if I hadn't looked it up.  These people are as interchangeable as punk bands.  And finally, filling in as eye candy for the ladies, who will no doubt make up for most of the ticket buyers and drag their poor boyfriends to this filth, is Cam Giga...Giga...you know what, I don't know him or his creepy French sounding name.  Ji-gon-day?  Really...it's spelled Gigandet.  I'm sure my friend Amy will tell me he's the best new actor since Shawn Ashmore, Liam Hemsworth, and of course Robert Pattinson.  She has this uncanny ability to discover these up-and-coming 'really good' actors who have been in 'so many good movies' before the entire female population noticed they were hot.  What?  They all happen to be 'easy on the eyes'?  And girls say they're 'good actors?'  Huh...isn't that the damnedest thing?

He's already accepted the Oscar...in their hearts.

If Gigawhatshisface's forgettable ten seconds of acting in Easy A and what I see of him in the trailer and couple commercials for The Roommate are any indication, we have a lot of sultry squinting and smooth, gravely voiced dialogue to look forward to from this great obviously-not-getting-by-on-his-gay-looks actor.  Soon he'll be up for a coveted role in Twilight...oh he already was in Twilight.  Imagine my shock.  After Blake Lively acted in The Town and did a damn good job, I had a little bit of hope that other CW stars would try to avoid being type-cast as teen 'throbs.  Looks like I was a little too hopeful with this bunch 'cause obviously none of them read this script too hard...or maybe they thought they were reading a remake of Single White Female.  But it's not, they swear!

It is.  Which brings me to my special spoiler alert.  Not only do I plan on ruining the plot of The Roommate for you, but in doing so, will undoubtably ruin the plot of Single White Female.  I'm sorry, but it can't be helped.  I won't even mention SWF again and I will still ruin the ending.  Let's see, Sara, fresh from a nice home life enters her first year of college far enough away from home to feel nervous about it.  She gets a roommate randomly assigned to her, as is the custom, and at first everything goes super-duper swimmingly!  They borrow each other's clothes and tell secrets and even adopt a stray cat...which I'm sorry to say for people who think animal lives are more important than human, Mr. Scrumbles probably ain't gonna make it to the credits.  Rebecca will get jealous of the time it spends curled up in Sara's lap and make it pay...in kitty blood.  Sara makes friends and Rebecca is kind of reserved but the two get along and they discover the joys of college like getting into clubs underage and of course meeting sexually ambiguous boys like Cam Gigadick.  Cammie falls for the hotter of the two because he's just that deep and Rebecca gets jealous, not because Sara has a guy but because Sara doesn't hang out with her as much.  Rebecca starts to get clingy and stalky and creep out Sara's friends.  Even Rebecca's mom warns Sara that Rebecca should be on the meds.  Rebecca will start thinking Sara is being corrupted by all of these young hip people and I can only assume, and I will with much certainty since as usual the exciting stuff is in the trailer, that Rebecca snaps and starts physically assaulting Sara's friends and apparently a gas station attendant who I can only assume makes a pass at Sara.  And we hope that she tries to seduce Gigabyte while disguised as Sara and then beats him up when he finally figures it out...after.  This song and dance will continue for the last third of the movie leading to some silly, contrived sequence where Rebecca takes Sara hostage and tells her they can be sisters now because Rebecca always wanted a sister and most likely had one and accidently killed her or something, probably by hugging her too hard.  By the grace of some deus ex machina or happy crappy ending writing, Sara will triumph and Rebecca will either bite the big ticket to the looney bin in the sky...or since this movie is a kid friendly PG-13, she might just end up in a real looney bin.

I can only imagine the schmaltz will continue as Sara returns to school the next semester with a 4.0 sympathy GPA for nearly gettin' sistered to death and meets up with a recovering Cam Gidget who she obviously forgave for getting with Rebecca.  I don't care who you are, you usually try to figure out who someone is in the dark before you get intimate, especially if their hair color doesn't look quite right...unless she dyes it...then seriously still check.  Cam Gigadouche seems like just the kind of stand-up guy who squints his eyes harder during morally ambiguous situations like that.  Sara probably gets a one person room or, in a really hilarious twist, joins a sorority, where she'll have dozens of new creepy sisters.  See, I can write this garbage.  So in my final plea, don't go see this movie, save seven dollars and just go watch Single Whi...HOLY SHIT, Billy Zane is in this movie!?  Where are my freakin' car keys!?

Zane saves every film he's in.

Movies I Haven't Seen: No Strings Attached

Every once in a while, I see a trailer for a movie that sells the movie so well to me that Don Draper would be drunk with jealousy over how well it was advertised...and Old Fashioneds, cause he's pimp like that.  Fashioneds?  Fashions?  Eh, forget it.  The great trailers set up the plot of the movie, show us a few key moments, tell us who the players are, and get us to open our wallets and shell out a Lincoln and three Washingtons...all without revealing every single detail about the events of the movie.  Some trailers on the other hand, fail miserably at this.  Some trailers are the movie, literally.  They set up the plot, show us the conflicts, show us the upbeat beginning of the resolution and usually give us the moral of the story that the stupid, shit-hole character we're supposed to care about learns at the end...of the movie...that they want us to pay to see.  Except it's too late, cause we've seen everything, or so you'd think.  But people still end up paying to see these flicks, irregardless (I'm just kidding, I know it's not a word).  Well, I'm damn sick of people paying to see these movies, because every time you pay to see one, the money men in Hollywood think, "Hey!  If we make another one of these pieces of shit, the same people will pay to see that one too!"  And I'm gonna do something about it!  Right here!  Well...down there.

Right here!  Welcome to the first edition of 'Movies I Haven't Seen!' where I review movies that I have not had the pleasure of seeing and most likely won't, due to the fact that I think they look rather poopy.  I'll only have viewed the trailers before reviewing these movies, so obviously everything I say comes directly from my expansive knowledge of the movie-making trade and a whole heaping helping of pulling opinions straight out of my ass.  And in the very likely event that I'm exactly correct in guessing how terrible the movie is and how exactly it's going to end, you might want to watch out for spoilers.  But like I said, I haven't seen the pile of tripe in question so don't get nasty with me when I nail it right on the head.  And I refuse to do any of that puny bullshit movie reviews do...such as, go see this movie right away with someone you aren't really dating!  Get it?  'Cause of the premise?  Whatever, Ben Lyons will come up with something to make you puke out your soul.

No Brains Required...sorry Ms. Portman!

Our movie this round is No Strings Attached, a supposedly delightful little romp that decides to finally answer the age old question of whether two friends can carry on a physical relationship while still just remaining good, solid friends like they were at the start.  My first impression is that I'm shocked that no one has ever tried to tackle this conundrum on celluloid before.  This unique premise will surely be logged in the annals of history and passed on from generation to generation as a constant reminder that they were first to the punch and deserve all of the credit for creating this genuinely original idea amongst all of the recycled garbage H-wood puts out today, like Black Swan.  We get it, a ballet movie, we've all seen Billy Elliot and Center Stage, get over it already!  Okay, enough with the sarcasm.  I haven't laid it on that thick since, well, ever maybe.  I would go through IMDB (shameless plug!) and find endless movies about friends becoming romantic and friends trying to keep it casual, but do I really have to go farther than one of the most classic of Seinfeld episodes?  You know, when Jerry and Elaine attempt to pull off the exact same premise?  And fail miserably?  The trailer for No Strings Attached even manages to fire a cliche cannonball right down our port holes, having the main girl utter the oft-heard solution to keeping it casual, "Maybe we should establish ground rules."  I'll pause for a moment so you can listen to the death throes of creativity.

Speaking of Black Swan, this movie stars the one and only Natalie Portman.  I dig the hell out of her but I can't for the life of me understand why she decided to be in this painfully chick-flicky romantic comedy.  She literally came off the greatest movie of the year and forgot that she could win an Oscar so she decided to slum it.  Happens all the time I guess.  Halle Berry did it with Monster's Ball and Catwoman.  Jamie Foxx did it with Ray and Stealth, although Stealth was filmed before.  Still strange how that seems to happen every single time.  Maybe Miss Portman is going for the coveted Oscar/Razzie combo, following in the steps of Sandra Bullock (who definitely deserved at least one of those awards.)  I'm not saying that Natalie Portman is going to be bad in this, because it would have to be directed by George Lucas for her to be even slightly terrible, but the choice of the role is what's throwing me off.  She obviously wasn't doing it so she cuddle with Ashton Kutcher, correct?  Speaking of the star of Killers, Valentines Day, and What Happens in Vegas, I can for the life of me understand why he did this movie...it has a little something to do with that list of excrement I just recited...he couldn't have done any better than this.  I don't hate Mr. Demi Moore either but he's not exactly known for his choice roles.  And starting another sentence off with 'speaking of', speaking of Killers, that's what this movie should have been.  This should have been another Kutcher/Katherine Heigl movie.  She's obviously desperate to flush her career down the shitter by saying the absolute dumbest things she can say to the absolute wrong people at exactly the wrong times.  Why not add 'star in more box-office mediocrity' to the list?  So I think that's how I'm going to review this movie, as if Katherine Heigl was in it instead of Natalie Portman.  She can skip right from Black Swan to Your Highness as far as I'm concerned.  I'll completely forget about this and blame it on Katherine Heigl, I promise.  She won't care, she'll just take out four pages in Entertainment Weekly to apologize again.  Good, now that's that.  I can move on with my life.  And Ivan Reitman?  You directed this?  For Gozer's sake why!?  What attracted you to this project, the absolute lack of any work you had to do?  If Ashton Kutcher is in Ghostbusters III because he became your muse on this project...so help me...I will definitely still see it.  I'm a weak, weak man, Reitman.

All righty, spoiler alert time.  Where to begin...oh yes, Kutcher has to be a bit of a drunk and a womanizer.  But not a hated womanizer or he wouldn't have a best friend who is a girl.  Obviously he's always had feelings for her and she him, otherwise we wouldn't be in this mess.  She's a working girl, (not a hooker, a girl that works) a doctor even, and has no time for serious relationships because no doctors are happily married in real life.  One night they just happen to be engaging in girl-talk and the girl-talk leads to them sleeping together for the first time and they both act surprised even though they're not.  All of their friends are pretty surprised though because if there's someone you can hide all of your secrets from, it's your mind-numbingly retarded close movie friends.  Apparently, Miss Kutcher starts to get attached and decides it's time to lock that down, like he should, but Natalie, being a modern woman, just wants uncomplicated loving...and I'm guessing one of the lessons that we as a movie audience learn at the end of this yarn, something that we've known for only our entire lives, is that it's always goddammed complicated...and the rocky road to the climax (a pun! Dammit!) begins.  Ashton and Natalie will separate a little, Natalie will push him away and Ashton will either go on to other women or act like he is.  Natalie will feign a tough exterior while secretly being really, really grumpy at him (yes I said that in baby-talk) because he did exactly what she wanted (a woman wrote this movie, seriously?)  And finally, at the insistence of all of their friends, who are now completely caught up with the rest of the population and apologize for their mind-thumpingly terrible advice throughout the movie, tell them to kiss and keep kissing for as long as the credits shall roll.

There's a couple ways it could end after that.  Obviously, and this is my guess for this movie, Ashton and Natalie/Heigl get together and stay together and have babies that they constantly tell the plot of this movie to long after they're literally bored shitless and have to go seek doctorly help, or just their mom since she's a doctor...a strong woman doctor!  But, there's always the chance that once they go through this very realistic ordeal, they decide that a relationship really isn't for them, but they need to remain friends and to remain friends, they have to stop sleeping together...drag.  Natalie can do better but let's face it, Ashton can't.  He's not a doctor.  That sucks, dude.  There will be a few funny lines in this movie for the guy who gets drug by his feet, tearing his fingernails to bloody shards on the solid concrete, by his significant other, but I literally did not even slightly chuckle once during the trailer.  Most of the time, in trailers, you're supposed to make an audience laugh, not just your target audience.  Your target audience already has their pocketbooks out and prepped because Ashton Kutcher wears little else than a dopey smile in the trailer.  And we all know there's no better reason to spend your hard earned cash...unless you can just find similar photos of him on the internet.  I wouldn't know, I didn't look...much.

So, in conclusion, I would have to give this movie 1.5 out of 5 uhhhhhhhhh, let's call them Presumptive Stars?  I just made that up on the spot.  Not once did I even remotely think anything in this movie would be original and I would be mouth agape and dumbstruck if it proved me wrong, if I ever admitted it.  In fact, this movie isn't even original this year, because Mila Kunis and J-Timberlake have a movie coming out called Friends With Benefits!  With this I am eagerly anticipating the return of the competing blockbusters of the late 90's.  Armageddon had Deep Impact, Volcano had Dante's Peak, and now No Strings Attached has Friends With Benefits to compete with.  Actually, no it won't, 'cause Benefits doesn't come out until this summer.  And now that I stare at the cast list for it, I'm mildly interested.  And now after having watched the trailer, I might recommend it over No Strings Attached!  Doesn't look terrible.  And by doesn't look terrible I mean, when your girlfriend makes you watch one or the other, really try to get her to watch Black Swan instead.  It was so good, right?!

No...no...that's not quite right.

$@*& Words

If you've never met me...don't.  But if you have met me, you're probably aware that I'm not exactly a user of the gentlemen's English.  I randomly and sometimes without consideration to proper sentence structure, insert a tasty sentence enhancer, as Spongebob's Patrick calls them.  So instead of, "Pass me the salt please, Grandma," I might say, "Pass me the damn salt please, Grandma."  Might not be proper but she's sure as hell not gonna drag her feet passing me anything ever again.  But therein lies the problem.  Situations where I find myself sitting down in a fancy eatery probably aren't the same situations where I can call my dinner companion an asshole at the top of my lungs, as I frequently am wont to do.  According to some it's not nice.  Apparently it's not proper.  But why?

Welcome back.  But seriously, why?  I scoured the known internets looking (and if anybody who reads this scours and actually finds something, I was drunk when I scoured so...) for some goddamn reason that if I would have said goddamn reason in a room full of grown-ass people, more than half of them would have looked at me like I just adopted a box of newborn kittens and then sold them to a butcher...not because he wanted to own a dozen cats but because of the eating of them...possibly after wrapping them in bacon.  Yeah, like that face you just made, exactly!  Why are there words that exist in language that make people turn their noses up at you in disgust?  They're just words, right?  Why is the word shit any different than the word poop?  The only thing I could find resembling anything close to an answer about this ridiculousness is that, apparently, Social Norms dictate swears.  I'd like to meet this social Norm/Norms and ask what their problem is with my dirty mouth.  I'd like to imagine the Society of Social Norms meeting in school gym, dressed like the Women's Temperance Unions of the 20's, complaining about how they heard someone say H-E-double hockey sticks.  I point out the women part because it's hard to imagine a man there unless his wife dragged him there under threat of taking away his Monday Night Football.  


Don't get me wrong, when I'm in a public place and I hear some street-tough high schoolers dropping the f-bomb every twelve seconds, even I think that's unnecessary.  I'm not saying that I walk onto a crowded playground every day and let out a string of expletives that would make Tarantino cry in his milk, but when I'm out and about, I like to, you know, speak like an adult.  If I say ass instead of butt or damn instead of doggoneit, what is the big deal?  They are all just words.  It's just that some stuck up priss got his/her feelings all hurt for no good reason, which seems to be the norm in America these days, and decided there were things their baby ears couldn't hear.  Well, shit, is one of my favorite words, has been since I've been able to talk.  I also love the word poop, and if you wanna know why, say it aloud to yourself or write it down.  I dare you not to laugh.  Shit and poop are the same word.  At the end of the day, they mean the same exact thing.  But, children can say and hear poop.  If they hear or say shit, they get to see Santa gunned down in front of them.  Who decided this!?


And it isn't just swear words that are taboo.  Some of the words that sometimes find their way into my vocabulary and have been there for a long time, aren't even swear words.  Some are words that are used to describe certain groups of people in this day and age and those groups of people find those words offensive.  The silly thing about most of these words is that they have several different definitions and only recently became 'offensive' slang.  Words like retard and fag and gay, words that, used in the right situation, are perfectly harmless to say.  Back in my day, you really didn't get in trouble if you said, 'that math assignment was gay', because in most instances, math was and is gay.  Gay as in stupid, not gay as in homosexual.  I think my generation was in a race to get in Guinness for Most Words That Mean the Same As Stupid.  I can understand that when said in a derogatory way against a person, they can get offensive.  It's the context, right?  Yeah, I bet that if I was in a crowded room and said, 'Quick, someone retard the growth of that hibiscus!' or 'Someone throw another faggot on the fire!' I wouldn't get away with it.  Someone in that room wouldn't know that retard means slow and faggot means bundle of sticks.  Someone would have a fake conniption fit and I say fake because at the end of the day, most people who get offended by derogatory words are just doing it because it makes them feel like a good person...which usually makes you a selfish, terrible person.  


I guess I can understand the snafu over derogatory words being used but I guess I'm just the kind of person that would never call a mentally challenged person retarded as an insult just like I would never call a fat person fat as an insult.  Just gave myself a little brown nose there, didn't I?  I would call an asshole retarded, though.  It's definitely all about context, it's just too bad that good citizens don't have the wherewithal to think more than five seconds before they jump to shit on everyone else's fun.  I know that young minds are being taught these words and the wrong ways to use them, but young minds can first be taught to be good people you know, by their parents, instead of by some random stranger they overheard saying fag in the mall.  


If we're gonna start making it socially unacceptable to say some of these words because human beings just can't help themselves, then every word that has ever been incorrectly used to insult someone has to go too.  So a short list would be: white, black, Asian, girl, lesbian, Jewish, cracker...do I have to go on?  My solution is, instead of writing a list on your child's brain of words that are naughty and will get them sent straight to Satan, we send the entire population of the world through an extensive training course on quote/unquote bad word usage and context.  It would cost uber-billions of dollars but when I'm in public around a lot of worried-about-everyone-else-cause-Jesus-said-to mothers, I want to call math retarded and I want the mothers to go, "that's true, it is stupid!"  Cause it is!  Why isn't anyone thinking of me in this situation?  Anyone?  And let's stop on this warm holiday to thank and bless the MPAA and the FCC just a little bit.  If it wasn't for them, we'd be hearing the fuck and Jesus words in the wrong context on TV and we'd be denied the random, gratuitous violence that barely earns movies a PG these days.  Hooray for priorities and Merry Christmas you antiquated dickwads.  The 1600s called and they want their Puritan, witch burning ideals back.

Voting Is For Old People...It Is.

So the vote is coming, today to be exact.  Except for all the people who already voted early...whaaat?  There's this thing about voting that puts me off to it that I can't quite put my finger on.  I guess if I could decide exactly what I want to vote for, that would make it a little better, but it's not exactly easy to pick what you want when you have to vote for a person and the person stands for a hundred different things.  Oh wait, no, I guess we've narrowed it down now to two choices.  You either get the baby-killing liberal or the Jesus-freak conservative.  Glad we have freedom of choice here.


America loves to divide itself.  As a strong nation, what better way to show your strength than to point out your differences every minute of every day?  Hell, our government is basically running on the fumes of that idea today.  'Instead of having our people's interests in mind, we should just all agree to think exactly the same way.  Unless you're the other guys who all think the opposite, but still all agree.  Bam, government.  Now let's vote.  Oh, 50/50, how the hell did that happen?  Let's waste millions bickering now until we go on vacation.'  That's what CSPAN is like in my head since I couldn't possibly bring myself to watch it.  I can't believe that a country stood united for a couple months after a horrifying disaster and then effectively began to split itself right down the middle and now is like a not funny episode of the Halo comedy show, Red vs. Blue, with actually more violence and name calling if you can believe it.


Republican.  Democrat.  Those are our two choices.  Yeah sometimes the Independent guy wins, but what are there, two of them in Congress?  Great.  That'll sway the tide.  Really, when it comes down to it, people just vote the same color all the way down the ticket, which doesn't sound like a good thing to me.  I'm sure that there are those average normal people who do their research and vote based on that.  That's a good thing.  But seriously...I'm guessing that 90% of the voting population, while watching daytime court TV, get all of their information from those awesome advertisements.  As far as I can tell from those ads, the way to get into politics is to be better at calling your opponent a dick.  And you can literally say anything you want, including slander, in those ads.  I'm sure that's exactly how George Washington and Thomas Jefferson imagined the American voting process turning out.  Also I'm sure if Washington thought of the invention of the TV, his wooden teeth would have blown straight out of his head.


And the best part is, that when the politicians finally get to the part where they have to decide things that affect us as people, you know, the people that elected them, instead of working together to sort out problems, they take the same sides on every single issue.  Bill proposed by a Democrat in a Democrat run country?  Republicans must destroy it because...well there's really no reason except that they're sore losers.  And it happens the other way around too.  I used to think Republicans were the bad guys but, they're really all bad.  It's tough to get up the urge to vote when you feel like you're voting in another bickering idiot who is just going to look at his name tag, see what color it is, and follow everyone else who has the same color name tag.  Oh and it costs a lot of money that according to everyone we don't have.  Do we actually have to pay off the national debt?  According to some of our men in power, the world will end soon so we probably won't have to.  The hypocrisy is hysterical too, now that the liberals like the government, the conservatives hate it. Years ago, the Bush years, when Democrats said anything against the administration, they were chastised for not blindly loving their president.


So, I think I would vote...if I didn't have to rely on people.  Because, and I don't know if any of you know this, and yes I started the sentence with because, people are liars.  People say things they don't mean to get things they want.  And people like money.  And they make deals with people for money.  And the whole damn system is rather corrupt, in my humble and completely uneducated opinion.  I'm sure there's a couple good people in there but, the division of the parties and their inability to get anything done when America needs it most proves otherwise.  America voted for change last time, and now the other Americans are voting for another change, I'm just wondering if any of this voting is ever going to put someone in who actually changes anything that the population is ever going to be happy with.


So when you go to the polls this Tuesday...or already did since I'm damn late in writing this, uh...I don't know what point I was trying to make here.  Only vote if you know what you're talking about?  Don't vote based on your favorite color?  Voting is lame? Stop watching political commercials?  Stop believing anything rich white people say?  I don't know, I said a lot of things that nobody probably cares about because it seems to be the hip thing to vote these days, just because.  Everybody at Columbia wanted me to vote, but I think they wanted me to vote for legalization mostly.  And thanks to the year 2000, I don't believe that my vote matters in the prez election anyway.  If anyone can convince me otherwise, that's cool.  But I guess I'm not hip or with it and I'll probably get yelled at a lot because while I was writing this giant thing, I forgot to vote.  Oops.


Oh and just to piss off people with Fox News stuck up their rears...I get all of my news from Jon Stewart and the Daily Show and of course Colbert.  And I believe every freakin' word of it.