Thursday, February 24, 2011

Movies I Haven't Seen: Drive Angry 3D

I almost didn't hit the keyboard this week.  I thought, as I lay laid up in bed for several days, that I would just let Hollywood release another shitty film and take the money they earn and buy some sweatshops in Cambodia.  I can be nice when I want to.  But then I remembered, this is the last week in February, the month that releases the worst movies ever!  And then I took a gander at what was coming out this week and February did not let me down.  It pitched me a doozy of a sinker and my duty as a fake movie reviewer got the better of me.  It's the principle of the thing, dammit!  I let Adam Sandler get away with murder last week, but I'll be damned if I do that for this...this...whatever the hell they think this is!

Although I do admit, Nic Cage is looking goo...oh...he's the gentleman in the rear.  Misleading.

This just isn't fair, is it?  This is just too easy.  I feel like this is gonna be a short one because there is literally one phrase I could use to describe this movie and 85% of the population would go, "Oh that's gonna blow chocolaty chunks."  And that phrase is, "Hey, Nic Cage is in this."  See, you just mentally boycotted this movie!  But bear with me here as I take you through an emotional 3D thrill ride that will surely make at least 37 million dollars over the weekend while all those pompous, artsy, wine sipping, know-it-alls watch their precious Academy me.  Hey, Nic Cage!  Remember when you were at the Academy Awards?  Oh, it was 2002 with Adaptation.  Wasn't too long ago I guess.  Good movie, too.  Off track.  There's nothing classier than when a movie just has to let you know in the very title that it is in fact shot in 3D.  If movies could wear monocles, the 3D logo would be it.  It's sad that only one three-dimensional picture was nominated for Best Picture this year after Avatar's strong, and by strong I meant abysmal, showing at the previous year's ceremony.  Although, with Toy Story 3 up this year, that brings the tally of 3D animated cartoons nominated for Best Picture to two: Toy Story 3 and Avatar.  If you can take anything out of this paragraph that I'm trying to lay down, it's that Avatar was a cartoon that sucked ass and 3D sucks ass, except when coupled with something incredible like a Pixar script.  But I digress, there are some fun and campy movies made in the 3D format.  Jackass 3D was obviously one of the best movies of the year and Piranha 3D was the epitome of cheese and I actually loved every second of it.  There might be hope that Drive Angry Shot-In-3D will join those films in the ranks of shitty yet entirely re-watchable trash.  But I'm gonna bet no.

Drive Angry Shot-In-3D follows the badass character of Milton...Milton?  Really?  I said badass and you gave me Milton?  Okay.  The movie follows Milton, apparently the character from Office Space, as he escapes from Hell to...oh now I get it!  John Milton!  It's a Paradise Lost reference, right?  Yeah, I doubt it.  Paradise Lost Shot-in-3D!  Shoulda named him Dante.  He escapes from Hell after hearing that his daughter has been killed and his granddaughter has been kidnapped by an insane cult that plans on sacrificing her in three days.  Why do we let these people get tax exempt status if they're just gonna murder babies, seriously?  He vows vengeance and seeks a little bit o' redemption as he meets a girl who wants to help because she's bored, all while being chased by Satan's accountant?   That's his character name, The Accountant.  Were they sitting there writing the script and one guy is like, "The Accountant, Satan's Accountant!  Awesome!  Next scene!"  And the other guy is like, "There's so many other ominous names like, Satan's Gardener, or Satan's Interior Decorator..."  "Have you ever met an Accountant!?  They're scary as hell!" "I have actually, several of them, and none of them seemed like tough-as-nails assassins for our Demonic Lord.  What about Satan's Lawyer?"  "You're fired!"  And The Accountant stuck.

Yup.  This guy vs. Nic Cage.

So, Nicolas Coppola is in this movie if you haven't already figured that out.  Yes, the same Nicolas Coppola in Fast Times at Ridgemont High and Vampire's Kiss.  Oh, Nicolas Cage, what are you doing? He has got to have the most random career of any actor in the history of anyone.  He'll do a good movie and then decide that, I don't know, he needs three more ferraris or exotic leopards or another castle to live in and he'll go, 'I'll do this movie called Next!"  And audiences everywhere will barf.  And then he and his hair come back a couple years later, after many, many terrible roles, and throw down an awesome turn in Kick-Ass.  So, in about four years if my math is correct, expect Nic Cage to once again appear in a great role.  Until then, we get Drive Angry Shot-In-3D!  On the scale of Nic Cage's hair, I'd give this movie an 8, with 10 being Con-Air and 1 being his normal, short hair which looks fine if he'd just leave it alone.  It's a little better than the Sorcerer's Apprentice/Season of the Witch (which I'm sorta convinced was the same movie...since he had the same hair) but just as bad as Next, where it looked like he was wearing some kind of helmet around the back of his head.  I was gonna comment on his acting in the trailer but...what acting?  William Fichtner, one of my favorite hey-it's-that-guy, shows up as The Accountant.  I'm sure he's gonna be about as all right as you can be in a schlocky pile of garbage like this.  If he's bad in it, you can blame it on the director...or you can blame it on the fact that you're distracted by AMBER HEARD!  Finally we get to her.  I Amber Heard.  If there was any reason I would see this movie, it would be to see her in 3D.

That's how 3D works, right?  If not, what exactly is the point?

If I had a choice, the rest of the pictures in this blog would be of her...every blog I ever write...ever.  She's been in a couple good movies, a couple bad ones, but I've liked everything I've seen her do.  I'm not too worried about this movie dragging her down cause she's on the up and up and she's...well look at her for Christ's sakes!.  Too bad I'll never see her in Drive Angry Shot-In-3D though.  Maybe once we're married and we're really really bored of sailing all day she'll be like, 'Hey, let's watch me out-act Nic Cage.'  And I'll laugh and take a big bite outta my dolphin burger...shit is she in PETA?  Let's not tell her I eat dolphin, okay?  Or harvest elephants for their ivory...that'd be a big no-no for PETA, I'd think.

So here it comes, the plot detail to end all plot detail-ings.  Get ready for a plot almost as complicated as Ghost Rider.  Nic Cage bites the big one in some dirty dealing, drugs, racketeering, ivory poaching (the world needs pianos!) and ends up in the fire and brimstone version of hell.  They might not even show that part but since this movie is advertised as 3D, that's literally the only thing, I think, that would look awesome with another dimension, except for Amber Heard.  I've seen car chases in 3D, it's called rush hour traffic in Chicago.  Boring.  Anyway, Cage gets a call on the Hell-phone that says his daughter is dead and her daughter is gonna be Aztec'd by a cult, and he's gotta save that baby 'cause the Catholics say that babies are as screwed as sinners and that baby would end up with him and he knows what a terrible father he was.  Instead of politely asking Lucifer if he can have a day-pass, he might have said yes, he's not an irrational demonic being, Cage decides to break out of Hell to save his granddaughter.  He...does...and grabs himself a muscle car or three and has to get to this cult in less than three days.  Why?  Maybe the Hellmouth in Sunnydale wasn't anywhere near the cult and he had to hurry, who knows?  Anyway, the movie is called Drive Angry Shot-In-3D, and he was sure as hell gonna drive angrily somewhere.  Satan gets mad that he lost a lost soul and sends his money man, who apparently knows hand-to-hand combat instead of the art of just-light-the-assholes-on-fire that Satan should be teaching his minions, after Nicky.  Cage for some reason needs to hitch another ride, he probably has the same luck with cars as he does with hairstyles, and just happens to choose Amber Heard for some reason.  Can't...really see why he would...

He probably wants her hair for his next role.
Amber has some dirty past that she's trying to get over and decides to help this recently corpse-i-fied gentleman find his granddaughter.  Somewhere in there he gets another car from David Morse who, since he shows up as a friend from his past life probably bites the big one moments later.  So Amber and Nic team up and proceed to run-over, shoot, and beat various cult people to death, all on the way to the cult leader himself who I'm sure dies in spectacular fashion, leaving a horrendous mess for the local authorities to clean up in 3D.  I've noticed that when I try to guess the ends of these movies, I usually go with the not-exactly-happy ending that I would write first, and then guess the cuddly happy ending so the people who pay for this don't bitch.  So here's the ending they should have...Nic Cage saves his granddaughter and, since he's still dead and has to go back to hell, gives her over to Amber Heard who will make a spectacular mother and has always wanted something to do since her being bored resulted in her helping a dead man kill dozens of people.  Everybody needs a hobby, why not raise a child?  The Accountant takes Nic back to hell and the cycle of damnation continues as he's forced to watch The Wicker Man over and over and over again.  The ending they'll probably tack on there is most likely, after all of the cult death, Nic Cage shoots the accountant with that crazy gun they show in the trailer, which can kill demons, I guess?  Where'd he get that, Hell?  It's just like an evil genius to keep the weapon that kills him in his own home.  Happens in The Legend of Zelda games all time.  So Nic Cage beats Hell, he saves his grandbaby and him and Amber Heard drive angrily into the sunset in 3D.  Boring.  The end.  

It might be a mix of those two endings, who knows?  Nic Cage didn't know the ending when he signed on because he probably only read to the point on the check where it said, pay to the order of Nicolas Coppola.  So, if Nic Cage doesn't care what the ending is, I don't care.  And so we say good-bye to another February, the dumping ground for movies that just weren't good enough for January.  It's amazing that they think people are going to leave their houses during blizzards to see some of these movies.  I can't for the life of me think of one good thing that would make me go to a movie in...

...oh my God, I keep forgetting!  Too bad I couldn't find Amber Heard dressed as an accountant, she would have monopolized this blog.  I'm gonna go watch The Informers about thirty times.  See you next Tuesday.

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