Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Movies I Haven't Seen: Big Miracle

There comes a time in every man's life when he's got to take a stand, to rebuke the popular opinion and yell and scream until there's nothing left in your voice except for gravel and blood, and then dammit you scream some more!  So now I'm doing that.  I'm sick and tired and I don't want to take it anymore!  What the hell am I talking about?  Well I'll tell you what I'm talking about!  I'm talking about hypocritical conservationists!  And those fools are the subject of this week's movie that you shouldn't spend money on but probably will because who am I kidding, your girlfriend is dragging you to it as we speak and soaking your shoulder with her sobs.

Moby Dick's Shakespeare in the Pond was a critical and commercial failure.

You know what really gets my blowhole in a uproar? Hippies. Not just hippies, but the hippies who have absolutely no idea what they're fighting for. There are some activists out there who get it. That guy in front of that tank in Tiananmen? He gets it. Jacques Cousteau? After he stopped dynamiting fish, he got it. Most of the ones I've encountered though don't know the difference between the abundant asshole Canada Goose and an endangered Hawaiian Goose, presumably still a bunch of assholes though far fewer in number.

Weird Al Yankovic.  Killed by kamikaze gander attack.

Along the same lines, there are those in Hollywood and let's face it, everywhere else, who obviously have nothing better to do than tell us what Mother Nature needs and when she is hurting, like some sort of tree whisperers. Apparently only they are the chosen who can speak with the goodly creatures of the earth, to tell us if they need us to step in and assist their tiny brained brethren with our more evolved, soul having bodies (Ha, I put evolved and soul in the same sentence! I feel like both Charles Darwin and Kirk Cameron just rolled in their graves), or if we just need to stand back and let nature take its course. Sometimes it's, "Don't kill bald eagles, they're endangered and a symbol of our country!"  And other times, "That bald eagle is going to eat my pet Chihuahua that shouldn't live in this cold of climate anyway!  Get a sweater for my dog and kill that bird!"  It's this alarming puzzle of confusion which leads us straight into the "true life" plot of Big Miracle.

Big Miracle tells the hair raising story of three trapped whales and their apparently Cold War ending struggle for survival. In the northernmost frozen wastes of asshole filled Alaska, the town of Barrow sits near the very top of the world. It is here that an intrepid and bored reporter noticed a big ol' hole in the ice with three whales popping up and down in it. Somehow Drew Barrymore, who just happens to be his ex-girlfriend (based on a true story), finds out. She determines in her drug addled hippie brain that those whales don't wanna be there and need freedom from their icy prison. What, is it illegal for animals to commit suicide too?

"Could you kindly point me to the nearest beach?  I've grown tired of living."

So the world, that's right, the entire Cold War stricken world of uncaring, warmongering people, decides it's their duty to save these three whales that we're not supposed to interfere with in the first place.  And I'm sure Jim Halpert and Drew Barrymore will fall back in love while watching these whales hump backs.  Gag.  Seriously what bet did half of these people lose to have to be a part of this movie?*  Actually, I kinda think they just told Barrymore that it was really happening and she ran up there to be a part of it.

How self righteous do you have to be to think that Mother Nature needs your help, especially when you were the one that broke her in the first place?  I understand that when you take down a tree, you should plant a few more.  And you probably shouldn't hunt an animal to extinction in twenty-seven years like the Steller's Sea Cow.  But everyone yells about leaving Mother Nature alone until your motherly instinct kicks in and makes you think every cute thing that doesn't have the human levels of intelligence to speak needs you.

Without your help, this dog will be forced to wear off-brand tuxedos.

Here are some facts which hopefully turn off the water works surrounding this tearjerker.  This particular species of gray whale is of least concern on the conservation status. The whales got themselves that far inland under the ice, humans had nothing to do with it.  The reason they remain trapped was because the ice sheet keeps freezing farther into the ocean, which is exactly what it is supposed to do being cold and almost winter.  So in the eighties people bitched about the ice freezing too fast and now we're complaining that the ice is melting too fast.  It's mind boggling how quickly their concerns change when it gives them something to do.  Stop eating mushrooms and drinking your own urine to save precious water, you're all batshit insane in my humble opinion.

As much as it pisses hippies off, we are now part of the planetary ecosystem, whether you admit it or not. I believe very strongly that once the Industrial Revolution began and we started pouring coal smoke into the air, and worse since, we started a little ecosystem changing of our own. We're responsible for some of it, but it's not like the world was just peachy and constant before we came along either.  First it was fiery and violent.  Then there was a lot of swamps and dinosaurs.  And then...

The whole world used to look like this... and that was before aerosol spray cans.

I feel like I didn't talk much about the movie, but why should I?  It looks like a manipulative load of sap, based on a true story, which in Hollywood terms means add a pointless romance to it and every girl will knock over their mailboxes in their rush to make it to the theater.  And we all know how it ends... cause I read it on the back of the book.  No, I won't tell you what happens to the whales, but the situation eases tensions between the Soviet Union and The United States o' 'merica and leads to the end of the Cold War.  Yes, that's right, the effort to save these three whales basically takes credit for defeating Communism.  Just makes you feel warm inside and forget those years of negotiations, the suffering of millions of humans, the Vietnam and Korean Wars, and the constantly bickering heads of state who finally decided to turn to peace and tear down that wall.

"I am Mik-whale Gorbachev.  Pleased to meet you Scuba Gear Ronald Reagan with real diving action!"

Nope.  It was obviously three (Spoiler alert!) soon to be dead whales.

Oh and I'm sorry Kristen Bell!  I'm still bitter about Party Down getting canceled and have nothing else to do, that's all.  I'll see your next movie, I swear.

*Joke courtesy of Shannon O'Connor.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Relationshits... I'm Clever...

I'm gonna start this off with a disclaimer: I'm probably the last person you should take relationship advice from. Now here's my relationship advice based on absolutely nothing but over-casual observance bordering on stalking and a love life striped straight out of the pages of a romance novel... a poorly written PG rated version where Fabio looks a little bit like John Cusack.  And yes, I just made fun of myself.  It's a strange concept, humility, I know.  Try it sometime.  I feel like I'm diving into a completely separate blog so let's leave that on the back burner and run head first into a brick wall of terrible couplings where one person holds all the cards and the other can't wait to bet their lives on a pair of deuces.

The Cloners

The bad news starts off innocent enough.  Rolling with a new crew, your significant other's crew, you tend to get interested in the things they're interested in.  Liking things is harmless.  I myself like a good many things.   A few of those things I stumbled on myself but most of them were recommendations from other people.  My best friend, when I was five, introduced me to a certain fat Italian plumber and my physical fitness has lacked ever since.

This is how I play Wii Marathon Runner.  Nice try, Nintendo.

People... sorry the word people used there is offensive to real people, I meant hipsters... who say they 'discovered' a band before it was popular, are full of shit.  People who get mad because they read Game of Thrones before the show aired, have a stick up their shit, which is also full.  No one is truly ever the first one to discover anything.  But once coupling has taken place and you start liking the exact same thing you knew nothing about a week before, guess who's full of shit now?  When one person seems to slowly, or more disappointing, rapidly, take on the likes and dislikes of the other person... well you're gonna lose your individuality right quick.

They forgot to step in front of the train...

There's no problem with being turned on to new things, but becoming a chameleon to try to blend in with someone or a group of someones who should really just appreciate you for your terrible choices in entertainment is only leading you down that road where you're becoming 'their girlfriend/boyfriend' instead of 'insert before-relationship-name here.'  It's okay for two separate people to be together and have different tastes.  Really.  I don't make my lady friend watch Judge Dredd and Face/Off, two of the greatest action flicks of the 90s, or watch me play Zelda for three hours straight.  In turn, she doesn't make me watch Glee or... sing Glee? We get along fine.

It's not good to have absolutely nothing in common, though, otherwise you're just sitting there talking about what kind of bands are good... and stuff, boring the hell out of the floor boards.  Takes a lot to make wood board.  That's hilarious.  I wrote that at 6 AM.

The Changerators

This is the technically the opposite of that last thing I rambled about.  "She/He will change, I know it."  "She'll stop drinking," or "He'll stop illegal dog fighting, for me, because he doesn't make that much money doing it."

"He promised he'd stop rapping, too.  He lied on both counts, but oh well."

At the core of a person, the very gooey, innermost meatiness of the bone bag, no one changes for another person.  The real changes come when they realize that something they're doing is making them unhappy.  Being forced to change by someone who has no control over your life is like trying to get me out of bed before noon.  Impossible.  Putting a nice polo and khakis on a punk rocker will change him into a slightly unhappier punk rocker.  You can show him off to your parents now, from a distance.  But he changed a little, he now hates you for trying to change his life.  You've just now shown someone that who they are is not good enough for you.  If he tried to get you to pierce your fleshy face bits, you would probably say no, since you've got a high horse and you're planted on it.

That's a stupid example, but it's a snowballing idea.  Suggest a little thing like, maybe not having that seventeenth beer because it's ninety-three seconds until closing time, and the next time you're asking him not to hang out with the people that he drinks with.  And soon, you're two lonely losers sitting on a couch watching TV every night, one content with the changes they've forced on someone, and the other who secretly wonders how slippery the front step could get in the winter.

That's what you get for making me wear argyle...

There are at least six billion people on this planet.  If you can't find one who fits into your stringent set of guidelines for a partner and have to change the first guy you stumble drunkenly into, maybe you need to take a little look in the mirror because you might be some sort National Socialist.

The Sacrificers

Relationships are full of sacrificing.  Most of the time they're little things like not playing thirty-seven hours of video games a day so you can take your lady to a fine dining establishment or not hanging up those terrible doily curtains your grandma gave you because your boyfriend doesn't want to live in a Thomas Kinkade painting.  And those are acceptable sacrifices because as much as you'd like to think otherwise, relationships aren't just about you.  But then there are the people you see who literally give up everything to be in the same breathing space of the person they're with... which they are quickly shoved out of because they're in the other's actual breathing space.

It's simple science.  His musk is her oxygen.

The first thing to go is free time.  When you spend every minute with a person, outside of a job, you start to lose your identity as a separate human being.  I love my alone time and before you say, "I have alone time, gawd!" I don't mean when your significant other happens to be busy and you've got no one else because who would try anymore?  Real alone time is telling that other person, "I'm going to be with me tonight.  See you later."  It's fair, everyone needs it, unless of course you don't care that someone refers to you as 'so and so's girlfriend/boyfriend' in conversation because nobody remembers your name anymore.  And why should they?  The only time they see you is when the sun is out and you're playing their shadow.

And they wouldn't leave Neverland for you, you can bet on that.

Your friends take a back seat, and you'll act like you care as long as it doesn't interfere with your busy schedule of sleep/work/clinging.  Then your family starts to get left behind and soon every single person but you thinks everything you're doing is pretty much the opposite of what is good.  And apparently in Crazyland, population you, you're the only sane one and you've finally become...

The Delusionists

Of all my made up words, that one sounds the coolest, like you've become some kind of magician that makes everyone feel like they're the only people who know the truth.  But being delusional is the opposite of cool, and I feel like this is the meat of this whole relationship issue.  Lying to yourself and having other people go along with it because they just do, because who the hell wants to deal with your thirty day long cycles anymore?  You ask other unstable people for advice because if you asked a competent human being, they'd tell you things you don't want to hear, if they weren't terrified you'd stab them with a lemon zester.

Anyone who owns one of these shouldn't be your friend anyway.

And once your best friends start humoring you, you've hit rock bottom.  Here's a lemon shaving of advice: The one person that either refuses to give you an opinion or has the opposite views as everyone else is probably the person you should listen to.  It's downright hard to tell someone the cold hard truth straight to their face.  When it comes to telling someone they can do better significant other wise, it's about as comfortable as putting down a guinea pig.  That's why people post their lives on Facebook, so that every little insignificant complaint post gets the attention they're not getting from whoever they're complaining about.  And generally, all of the 'friends' who comment with a "Stay positive, you're the best!" comment are merely telling you what you want to hear.  It should red flag your brain when you've written one nice post about one nice thing they did, nestled somewhere amongst thirty shitty ones.

But he paid for dinner before he followed her to the bathroom...

Here's a test: Grab your most delicious vodka, possibly a nice Cake, and get on your Facebook wall.  Now, take a drink for every "You can do it, girl!' comment on your "My life sucks this hour," posts.  You're drinking because those people, while being affirmative and nice, have no goddamn clue about your life, yet they're giving you false hope in spite of their ignorance.  And take one for every "Oh my God, you guys are so cute.......lol...." on that fourteenth annoying couple picture you took today while he was trying to watch the big game or that one nice post about him out of thirty.  Double shot if the compliment about him is from him.  Are you in the hospital yet?  Cause you ought to be.

This is where your friends on Facebook end up when you lie to them. 

But this is a positive thing.  Stay there, go through detox, go through rehab, and when you get out and take a taxi home because let's face it, he's still too hung over, look directly at your terrible boyfriend (I was gonna say /girlfriend but it's obvious that only girls do this Facebook delusion game) and how many women he's hit on while you were drinking water and praying to the Goddess for a month.  Good, hopefully you're not delusional anymore.  And if you're still stupid and have talked yourself back into his not-so-loving embrace because you feel like there's no other choice and well... deep breath... you've been dating a while and you've put a lot of commitment into it and you don't want to start that dating process over again and you'll just end up getting back together anyway and your best friends and family who have known you forever just don't know what they're talking about and if they do you won't listen anyway and you have to marry someone 'cause everyone gets married and it'll only be miserable until you have a kid and then you can hope the kid loves you more than he... wow, I just depressed myself.  If any of those words have come out of your mouth before, find a nice solid desk, preferably oak, and bash your head into it.  Good, now you know how I feel when I hear delusional word vomit like that.

The feeling transcends all races and species, even the mighty Vulcan.  On a second gander, that's Bones... point still stands.

And drop every Facebook friend that coddles you, they're just making themselves feel important, like someone who prays for natural disaster victims and acts like they're in the Red Cross.  I'm not saying all of your friends are like that, just the ones on Facebook.  And in churches.

Maybe I've become a little over the top in my old age.  Obviously the dream of a Prince Charming coming to take you away to a shiny palace with hundreds of animal servants is stupid and impossible and won't happen in the middle of the suburbs.  But there are good people out there and they do make good couples.  It's just infuriating when 99% of Facebook is filled with people in terrible relationships, complaining about them, and no one is doing anything to stop it.  There is someone or someones out there for everyone, I truly believe that.  You just can't expect to find them the first time you look.  And if you don't, don't just settle down with the last person you meet on the way out of the bar at 2 AM.  And if you did that 'cause you're kinda dumb, you obviously aren't obligated to ever stay with someone that doesn't make you truly happy.  Ever.

(I tried to find a picture of like, a crazy person handcuffing someone else to something, you know, like you might have to stay with them if they handcuff you to the radiator or something.  Don't ever Google Image search anything with the word handcuffs in it.  If you don't believe anything I've said in this article, please believe this.)

My next blog will be about how everyone is so goddamn cynical and serious these days.   Wonder where I got the idea for that...