Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Movies I Haven't Seen: Big Miracle

There comes a time in every man's life when he's got to take a stand, to rebuke the popular opinion and yell and scream until there's nothing left in your voice except for gravel and blood, and then dammit you scream some more!  So now I'm doing that.  I'm sick and tired and I don't want to take it anymore!  What the hell am I talking about?  Well I'll tell you what I'm talking about!  I'm talking about hypocritical conservationists!  And those fools are the subject of this week's movie that you shouldn't spend money on but probably will because who am I kidding, your girlfriend is dragging you to it as we speak and soaking your shoulder with her sobs.

Moby Dick's Shakespeare in the Pond was a critical and commercial failure.

You know what really gets my blowhole in a uproar? Hippies. Not just hippies, but the hippies who have absolutely no idea what they're fighting for. There are some activists out there who get it. That guy in front of that tank in Tiananmen? He gets it. Jacques Cousteau? After he stopped dynamiting fish, he got it. Most of the ones I've encountered though don't know the difference between the abundant asshole Canada Goose and an endangered Hawaiian Goose, presumably still a bunch of assholes though far fewer in number.

Weird Al Yankovic.  Killed by kamikaze gander attack.

Along the same lines, there are those in Hollywood and let's face it, everywhere else, who obviously have nothing better to do than tell us what Mother Nature needs and when she is hurting, like some sort of tree whisperers. Apparently only they are the chosen who can speak with the goodly creatures of the earth, to tell us if they need us to step in and assist their tiny brained brethren with our more evolved, soul having bodies (Ha, I put evolved and soul in the same sentence! I feel like both Charles Darwin and Kirk Cameron just rolled in their graves), or if we just need to stand back and let nature take its course. Sometimes it's, "Don't kill bald eagles, they're endangered and a symbol of our country!"  And other times, "That bald eagle is going to eat my pet Chihuahua that shouldn't live in this cold of climate anyway!  Get a sweater for my dog and kill that bird!"  It's this alarming puzzle of confusion which leads us straight into the "true life" plot of Big Miracle.

Big Miracle tells the hair raising story of three trapped whales and their apparently Cold War ending struggle for survival. In the northernmost frozen wastes of asshole filled Alaska, the town of Barrow sits near the very top of the world. It is here that an intrepid and bored reporter noticed a big ol' hole in the ice with three whales popping up and down in it. Somehow Drew Barrymore, who just happens to be his ex-girlfriend (based on a true story), finds out. She determines in her drug addled hippie brain that those whales don't wanna be there and need freedom from their icy prison. What, is it illegal for animals to commit suicide too?

"Could you kindly point me to the nearest beach?  I've grown tired of living."

So the world, that's right, the entire Cold War stricken world of uncaring, warmongering people, decides it's their duty to save these three whales that we're not supposed to interfere with in the first place.  And I'm sure Jim Halpert and Drew Barrymore will fall back in love while watching these whales hump backs.  Gag.  Seriously what bet did half of these people lose to have to be a part of this movie?*  Actually, I kinda think they just told Barrymore that it was really happening and she ran up there to be a part of it.

How self righteous do you have to be to think that Mother Nature needs your help, especially when you were the one that broke her in the first place?  I understand that when you take down a tree, you should plant a few more.  And you probably shouldn't hunt an animal to extinction in twenty-seven years like the Steller's Sea Cow.  But everyone yells about leaving Mother Nature alone until your motherly instinct kicks in and makes you think every cute thing that doesn't have the human levels of intelligence to speak needs you.

Without your help, this dog will be forced to wear off-brand tuxedos.

Here are some facts which hopefully turn off the water works surrounding this tearjerker.  This particular species of gray whale is of least concern on the conservation status. The whales got themselves that far inland under the ice, humans had nothing to do with it.  The reason they remain trapped was because the ice sheet keeps freezing farther into the ocean, which is exactly what it is supposed to do being cold and almost winter.  So in the eighties people bitched about the ice freezing too fast and now we're complaining that the ice is melting too fast.  It's mind boggling how quickly their concerns change when it gives them something to do.  Stop eating mushrooms and drinking your own urine to save precious water, you're all batshit insane in my humble opinion.

As much as it pisses hippies off, we are now part of the planetary ecosystem, whether you admit it or not. I believe very strongly that once the Industrial Revolution began and we started pouring coal smoke into the air, and worse since, we started a little ecosystem changing of our own. We're responsible for some of it, but it's not like the world was just peachy and constant before we came along either.  First it was fiery and violent.  Then there was a lot of swamps and dinosaurs.  And then...

The whole world used to look like this... and that was before aerosol spray cans.

I feel like I didn't talk much about the movie, but why should I?  It looks like a manipulative load of sap, based on a true story, which in Hollywood terms means add a pointless romance to it and every girl will knock over their mailboxes in their rush to make it to the theater.  And we all know how it ends... cause I read it on the back of the book.  No, I won't tell you what happens to the whales, but the situation eases tensions between the Soviet Union and The United States o' 'merica and leads to the end of the Cold War.  Yes, that's right, the effort to save these three whales basically takes credit for defeating Communism.  Just makes you feel warm inside and forget those years of negotiations, the suffering of millions of humans, the Vietnam and Korean Wars, and the constantly bickering heads of state who finally decided to turn to peace and tear down that wall.

"I am Mik-whale Gorbachev.  Pleased to meet you Scuba Gear Ronald Reagan with real diving action!"

Nope.  It was obviously three (Spoiler alert!) soon to be dead whales.

Oh and I'm sorry Kristen Bell!  I'm still bitter about Party Down getting canceled and have nothing else to do, that's all.  I'll see your next movie, I swear.

*Joke courtesy of Shannon O'Connor.

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