Thursday, February 14, 2013

Not Talking About Guns... Yes I Am

One of these days, I’m gonna post something about guns, but it’s so hard because people love guns like they love their children.  Just as most parents love their children no matter what awful things they’re capable of, like shooting up a school, most people love their guns no matter how useless they are, especially outside of a classroom setting.  But I gotta be honest here, guns are cool.  I can see their draw and I’m pretty positive they’re not going anywhere any time soon, so put down the peanut butter and relax, psychopath, I’m not calling for any gun bans.  And I know this is long, every draft has been five pages, but bear with me, because it is really, really mean.

Facebook has turned into a crybaby, Betty Ford recovery home for “real Americans,” people who remember the “Golden Age” of America, the era that guns, racism and xenophobia created.  Adults are terrified of young people and a country they don’t recognize anymore, wah wah.  I bet your fathers said the same thing.  And theirs before them.  It’s called the future.  You’ve already tried to keep up by using this computing machine, why don’t you join us in the mental department?  Your kids can come, too, and make up their own minds.  If they don’t turn out like you, it’s gonna be okay, cause you won’t live forever, thankfully.

Christmas in Waco, Texas.  Is that Pam from The Office?

What I am calling for though is for people who are unable to correctly use Facebook, or the rest of the Internet for that matter, to chill the fluff out, get back in your doomsday bunker in your backyard, and leave Facebook for the people who want to use it for staying connected to their family members or posting pictures of pissed off kitties.  Stop finding something that agrees with your stupid, ignorant, uninformed, closet racist opinions, and then bothering everyone you barely know on Facebook with it like you thought it out so long before copy/pasting it.  If you have something interesting and of your own mind to say, then carefully and calmly debate amongst a group of your own friends or go to Washington and yell at the White House because obviously that’s where all the decisions are made.  Stop repeating these utterly mind-bogglingly idiotic “points” that you heard an anonymous “smart” person say from their compound in northern Michigan.

   1:  Guns Are Tools and Should and Usually Are Only Used In the Correct Way

“A gun is not a weapon, Marge. It's a tool. Like a butcher knife, or a harpoon, or... uh, a... an alligator.”  When your views match something Homer Simpson said, you’re doing it wrong.  “A gun is a tool, like a spoon, and spoons don’t make people fat, so guns don’t kill people.”  People kill people, right?  Well then, we should stop selling people.  Well, if the gays get their way, there won’t be any new babies in thirty years anyway, right?  Ugh, morons, we can still grow them in tubes.  The correct way to use a tool gun is to shoot someone, or threaten to shoot someone.  That's really it...  Guns are tools like a pooper scooper is a tool.  They only do one thing and it's not pretty, but they do it well.  And in the hands of say, an old woman who doesn't know how to use it, it's pretty damn useless and just makes your house smell like poop... wait...

“Hey yutz. Guns aren't toys - - they're for family protection, hunting dangerous and delicious animals, and keeping the king of England out your face.”  All of those things Krusty the Clown just said were true, regardless of him being a clown and a cartoon character.  He makes wildly more sense than 99% of Facebook posts, and by posts I meant the things Bill O’Reilly would tell you to repost, if he even knew what Facebook was.  Too bad in the modern world, there aren’t really territorial conquests anymore.  We have the Internet, we don’t have to go outside.  People do that in World of Warcraft.  Family protection requires a gun or two in some bad parts of the country, but if you’re so concerned for your safety, get a moat around your house or stop living there.  Or stop pissing off your neighbors.  Everyone else isn’t getting worse, you are, but I’ll get to that in a second.  You proclaim a law that says you can't have a gun won't just turn away criminals from pilfering your food stamps, what's to say a shaky old woman with a gun will hold any sway either?

Of course she looks big, she's standing next to Stallone.  He's like 5' 6".

Hunting is still cool, though.  I just want my family to know I love them and their hunting and I wish one of them would take me along.  It’s been twenty-eight years.  I go outside now.  Please, I just want to shoot and eat something delicious.

   2:  Don't Insult Assault Weapons

“Assault weapons have gotten a lot of bad press lately, but they're manufactured for a reason: to take out today's modern super animals, such as the flying squirrel and the electric eel.”  I could probably just say watch the Simpsons gun episode, since so many of the posts on the internet have just been quoted, quite seriously, out of that episode.  That episode was spoofing things real gun advocates were saying at the time... which was fifteen years ago.  To explain, and I’m gonna use a word I don’t use often, and I’m using it in it’s 90s playground connotation which meant, “you’re so slow and dumb as a person with all of your mental faculties intact and have no excuse to be this way,” how retarded it is to act like a so-called “assault weapon” is the same thing James Madison was talking about two hundred and twenty-five years ago.  Something called a “street-sweeper” isn’t required to defend a single family home against a jewel thief.  

The Street Sweeper AKA My Unalienable Rights

Oh, and don't forget, (but how could you, people scream it constantly?), “Assault weapons weren’t even used in the school shootings so controlling them wouldn’t have had any effect!”  So, what you’re saying is, we shouldn’t allow people to buy normal, legal guns either?  Okay!  Problem solved!  Thanks for playing!  Morons...

   3:  Guns Only Cause Zero Percent Real Deaths a Year

"Cars, stairs, and slippery pavements kill more people than guns do!  Maybe we should ban those, too!  Ahuhhahuhahauh!" (That was a hillbilly laugh.)  Yes, those things do kill people... on accident, almost 100% of the time.  I’ve never aimed a car at a human.  I’ve never aimed a parking lot of ice at a person.  And I believe a test and a license is required to operate things like cars and if you can’t pass those tests, you aren’t allowed to operate those machines.  I honestly think the driving test should be even harder.  “People can drive cars illegally without a license, people who aren’t white do it all the time!  Same with guns!”  Once again... a person who drives illegally is most often or not trying to drive their car into a school to run over children.  They’re usually just trying to drive to the liquor store, or, if you don’t know what that is, it sells the stuff you buy in that one section at Jewel, next to the frou-frou imported foods that cost way too much and smell like your stupid breath.  Sorry, I kid, that's where you can buy the stuff you make in your bathtub.  I have no idea who my audience is, you're all so varied and kooky. 

Like this guy, with what I assume is a gun in the waistband.  He is in an "urban" neighborhood.

   4:  God Wrote the 2nd Amendment

“The 2nd Amendment says it, right under Freedom of Speech (but stop discussing guns after gun violence against children, it hurts their feelings... the guns, not the children, obviously, cause they don’t have feeling anymore), it can’t be debated!”  I imagine that’s said by a grown ass man with a duckface as he gets on his Harley motorcycle that also serves no purpose but to annoy his children and cause reckless endangerment.  A country can’t exist without THE Constitution... except for all of those countries that have lasted longer than the United States that haven’t copied our constitution.  You know, like, all of them?  Copying off the French has given us a big ego it seems.  The thing about that brittle paper you hold so dear, it was written when, like, there wasn’t... anything.  

Some day, we'll argue over the most pointless topics over something I call, The Clark-web!

The guns that your militia and real farming men had took a week to reload and a child could dodge them by standing still.  They didn’t have machine guns or grenade launchers.  “But grenade launchers are different than the uzis I need to protect my trailer in the Appalachian Hills from Obama!”  Shut up.  Although, part of me is glad you follow the Constitution so hard, cause this country actually had to change it (WTF?! Change it?! WHENS??!) and write down in permanent octopus ink that we shouldn’t enslave other human beings.  Americans were so stupid that our own species wasn’t safe until someone put it in the holy Constitution.  If there’s anything to be said for your fake hero Thomas Jefferson, if this is your thing, he took the Bible literally.  He owned slaves, as was his right, cause it wasn't in the Constitution he helped write.  He also accepted his right to lie with them, as it says in the only other holy document besides our Constitution, the Bible.  He’s your role model.  But you’re right, the Founding Fathers, and their SimNation fan fiction, were infallible... except for slavery.  Remember slavery?

Disney does.

   5:  Families and Everyone Else Won't Be Safe Without More Secret Guns

“We need guns for defense of our families and any time we’re outside in public.  We can’t get rid of them.  I’ll take a bazooka, please... for defense.”  I remember when I wasn’t terrified that every ignorant loudmouth at the bar had a gun.  Well, way to go, United States, because of conceal and carry laws, now we’re back to the Wild West with much less honor and even more pent up frustration.  And you know who we can blame all that on?  No, not them... Your racist forefathers who called everyone the n-word and forced them to live differently because of the color of their skin.  Their and your xenophobia fueled it even more, caused by unjust fears of Socialism, as if our Democracy was so weak that it would just crumble if one person paid taxes for someone else who honestly couldn’t survive without real, honest help.  You fear your fellow man enough to warrant buying something to kill them with if it comes down to it, but don't care when someone can't afford healthcare for their children, like a Pro-Life extremist who murders a doctor who performs abortions, which are legal.

Tried to find a "pissed off Christian."  Google works too well.

Maybe you should look in the goddamn mirror and understand why that person wants to hurt you or steal from you so bad in the first place.  I guarantee you it’s not 100% their fault.  And don’t start spewing out bullshit like, “Thank God Illinois is FINALLY smartening up and allowing everyone to carry a gun!” like society crumbled when your starch-collared, white bread, war monger of a candidate didn’t get elected and four MORE years is just too long to wait for the Republicans to get in office and literally get nothing accomplished in the opposite direction, like usual.  Most of us have been fine so far without packing heat when we go to the grocery store.  Why don’t you stop acting like every single person in the pork aisle is out to get you and just be a human being for once?  “Cause it’s hard.”  I know, buttface, I know.

     6:  If Crazy People Have To, Then Everyone Does!

“So, will the Secret Service give up their guns too?  Or is the President I didn’t vote for too good to follow his own laws, that he wrote and snuck through Congress all by himself?  And then he raised gas prices!  He did!  Cause I blame him when it happens, cause it never ever happened before him.  Gas was thirteen pennies before Obama!”  In the perfect world that you’re preventing?  No, they wouldn’t need guns.  Careful, your heart stopped beating.  But in this world that morons have created for us?  Yes, they still need guns, because of psychotics who have too big and too many guns and post violence against the President on their secret diaries, i.e. Facebook.  Yelling "Freedom of Speech!" at the computer screen, A: isn’t working and B: doesn’t excuse you for being an asshole.  

C: The 70s called, they want your wallpaper back.

He's still the President, whether you care or not.  The police, the Feds, the Army, and the Secret Service get guns, because they’re trained with them.  They’re trained to not use them unless they have to.  Yes, some abuse them, just like some people abuse welfare.  No, that does not mean that one bad apple ruins the bunch, no matter how red your face gets when you have to pay taxes to live in a “free” country, you ponce.  Go ahead though, arm everyone with a gun, hell, arm children with guns so they're safer.  The only direction you peoples' brains go is down More Guns Avenue, because Peaceful World Way is too gay for you.  If that inauguration girl who got shot in Chicago had a gun, then maybe she’d be alive?  Maybe those children would be alive if the teacher or the janitor had a gun, maybe in his slop bucket?  You mean, the people who have to deal with screaming, awful brats every day?  They all should have loaded weapons in their possession?  Because there’s no bad apples in those bunches.  All teachers love their children... some too much, right?  The point is, instead of actively working towards making this world a better place, you’re literally trying to give everyone who already hates each other even more legal means to end us all.  

Nuclear Weapons For Grade Schools, Vote Lex Luthor, 2016!

     7:  No More Violent Media!  More Guns!

“We don’t need stricter gun laws, we need to parent our children better!  We need to give them more or less drugs, depending on how lazy I’m feeling.”  Holy shit, you’re on your way to sanity here!  How did you manage to come up with sense like that, when you watch so much Fox News?  Did it hurt to think past that big, shiny, barrel in your lap, loading the bullets in slowly, one by one, waiting for next door neighbor Johnson, who you’ve known for years, to make the first move against that pile of pawned gold you have under your mattress?  Stop.  You don’t mean parent your children better, you mean tell other people how to parent their children better, because you’ve been doing it right.  They did join the NRA, after all.  “No more violent TV or video games!  No more violent rap music, that’s what Hussein Obama, that freedom hating racist, listens to as he takes our guns out of our hands and gives them to China!”  I remember a time, it was called the 90s, when Tipper Gore and the mothers of America who forgot how to tell their kids what’s real and what isn’t, tried to blame everything but themselves.  It was stupid.  It’s still stupid.  I've been playing Mortal Kombat my whole life, so I can pull out someone's spinal cord merely by going forward, down, forward, punch, but I don't do it because that's real world violence and that's wrong.  

My fists are registered lethal weapons, but I bet he'll take those away too!

Blaming violent media when all you listen to is hate fueled, inaccuracy laced Fox News is like hitting a nail with a bigger, dumber, nail.  You blame the media, because the "fair and balanced" media tells you to...  wait... what?  You blame violent media while calling the President stupid in front of children.  Congress?  Stupid.  Your fellow man with his own opinions?  Stupid.  People in other countries that have the luxury not to hear you bitch every day?  Stupid.  You blame everything but your ignorant, pointless opinions, and your children hear every word of it, whether you think they do or not.  I mean, my opinions are pointless too, but I’d rather see live, happy children than the cold steel of a pistol filling my household with it’s tinny laughter.  So, I’m not ignorant, I think.  Let me try to see it from your end, though: Getting rid of violent video games, etc. and drugging out children more will have more effect on gun violence then getting rid of the actual guns themselves?  Nope.  My head hurts.

Once again, this man agrees with you, and even he hates Fox.

     8:  Obama = Hitler

“Remember when Hitler took away guns?  Remember four years ago when we tried really hard to explain how a man who was a minority is trying to turn America into a socialist dictatorship like Nazi Germany but we couldn’t get anyone over the IQ level of 56 to believe us because the Nazis hated minorities and then we gave up cause stupid, uneducated correlations with no basis in fact were all we had?”  I love when I hear this, because I just get the image of people sitting in front of their computers just stretching their brains to the breaking point to make correlations.  Also, they're naked, but that's my issue.  I don’t want to say anything nice about Hitler, but I really bet he is just rolling in his makeshift bunker grave with how often he is mentioned these days.  

He has to stare at this image in his condo in Hell for eternity.

Comparing him to a black man, I bet that pisses Adolf off something fierce, so, kudos?  I guess?  Let me get this straight: Hitler took away guns and then tried to take over the world, so that’s going to happen here if Obama takes your guns, which he won’t, because he just wants your insane ones you can't hide under your muumuu, remember?  So Obama = Hitler?  From what I remember of the Nazi party, they started blaming a certain group of people for Germany’s financial problems, like maybe the “welfare” of the country?  And of course they weren’t big on women leaving the house to work... like rich white guys.  Then there’s the homosexuals, Nazis couldn’t stand them, trying to be free and married and happy and such.  Of course they also used religion for their political agendas.  Wait... whoops!  Aw, it looks like you’re Hitler.  Sorry.  And that’s why you want guns so bad, because when someone finds out that you’re Hitler, you can defend yourself against the sane people who attempt to stop you or just come to get the money that you owe for living in that Democracy you keep celebrating and waving your stupid American flags on the back of your pick-up truck for.  You’re Hitler... Hitler.  How does it feel to hear that over and over with little to no point?

Say this out loud, repeatedly.  It's okay, it's a good first step.

     9:  Obama's Conspiracy Against America

“There’s a conspiracy against citizen gun owners.  Obama killed those school children to get your guns and he’d do it again.  He needs to disarm us so he can be Emperor of USA!”  Listening to that crackpot psychotic David Lory VanDerBeek (anyone who uses the phrase “gang raping” when talking about our government, deserves the word crackpot before their name as a title, like “Sir”), whom is running for governor of Nevada, talk about how Obama killed school children really drove home for me just how exhausting it has to be to believe you’re sane when you regurgitate every idiotic load of garbage you find on the internet.  

Raise your hand if you're American.  Raise your hand if you're insane, ha!  Tricked you!

Obama will be president... for four more years, until a new president comes into office, because that’s how this country works and has always worked.  Checks and balances.  Someone proposes something, their opponents trash it.  That’s how America works, that’s how we’ve always voted, and it’s apparently worked out pretty well for two-hundred and twenty plus years.  Or it did until a black guy got voted into office and then pandemonium and world-ending prophecies and he hates the Constitution... ‘cause of your racism.  Remember racism?  Obama will be gone in 2016.  Can you make it?  Or is it all over for you?  If so, please put your handgun to good use.  “If that freedom hater takes my guns, I won’t even be able to take my own life when they come to put me in a white, hillbilly concentration camp!”  Take pills or use a belt then, do I have to tell you everything?  

Just asphyxiate ten more seconds than you usually do...

Saying that gun owning citizens are being discriminated against in America is like Christians saying they’re being bullied by non-Christians.  They’re the majority.  That’s not possible.  The NRA is the biggest, loudest, dumbest organization we have, how do gun owners feel threatened in any way?  If you think that within the next four years, after Obama kills all of the school children with drones, Obama will create an empire and then invade Poland... you’ve lost my interest.  Leave my Facebook, please.  And if you honestly think that America is out to get you, and you want to act superior because you’re proud of that, let me inflate your ego a smidge: maybe they are out to get you, because you’re a pathetic, ignorant, loud-mouthed psychopath who needs to be watched just in case.  No, wait, it’s the opposite, that’s why they don’t give you the time of day...

     10:  Freedom of Speech... Unless You're Famous

“I wish celebrities would stay out of politics, they don’t have any right to tell our government what to do, that’s my job!  And as for those foreigners who have opinions on how we should run our country, we built a fence to keep them and their incorrect opinions to their tea drinking, unarmed selfs!”  Aw, that’s cute, you think you’re not an immigrant.  Just because your family was here when they shut the border behind them doesn’t mean you’re “from America originally.”  We do have an immigration issue in this country, sure, but we also have an overabundance of assholes in this country.  You were already here.  You’re wasting my air, please stop.  And I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed this but so many people, most who barely have a grade school level grasp of “American” English (psst, you stole that language, too), somehow think they know exactly how to handle all kinds of situations involving foreign countries and don’t hesitate to tell their Facebook friends how they would have handled Libya or Israel.  Countries I’m super positive they could point out on a map.  

Daddy says the real terrorists are here.  We agree or we get hit.

That was sarcasm, but if you’re this far and have missed all my sarcasm, then maybe we should get a foreigner or a talking head newsperson to explain this to you.  You’re all obviously listening to them more than you listen to the people who are in charge.  Oh yeah, you don’t think they should be telling you what to do either or even care about you; apparently, that's not their job.  But you care what decisions they make.  Your parents must have had an awful time getting you to do anything, you're so confusing.  I think a lot of you could benefit from a couple years in a dictatorship, maybe you’d learn a little humility when your ass got thrown in the stocks for being disrespectful to your rulers.  Actually, that sounds awesome, let’s vote in a dictator.  You vote for those, right?

Well, technically there was a vote... he didn't really win it, though...

Lotta Hitler, but you started it, so I don't feel bad at all.  Not that I would anyway, he's dead.  So, some of those quotes weren’t real, but I could point out to where something very similar has been said in all seriousness as if it’s a sane point on the side of, “If my guns get taken away, it’s gonna be like 1776 all over again!”  Hey, maniacs, maybe that’s why they want your guns.  Because you keep yelling about using them against human beings because you think that everyone else but you isn’t a real American.  You’re the last real American, fine, and you’ll get arrested and hopefully get shot by someone who’s allowed to shoot you because of your ignorant threats.  Speaking of 1776, one more point...


“But the 2nd Amendment was written by Jesus Christ and that’s it!  No discussion, no matter how many kids are shot!  Deal with it some other way but don’t take away the only thing that has ever loved me!”  Just saw something like that the other day.  Those two ambiguous lines were written when it was possible for the King of England to come waltzing back over here and try again.  We barely had an army and we were young and a bunch of pansies who still wore stupid wigs.  

Oh my God, Benjamin, gander at yon Corporal's caboose!  It's as grandiose as Franklin's tummy!

We needed guns for real life protection against the world.  We were rebels, we were traitors in the eyes of our mother country and we had just trounced them in a war we shouldn’t have won.  They were pissed, so they came back to try again one more time and then we kissed and made up.  Now we have our own army.  Several of them.  Some on land, in the air, on the sea, under the sea!  Under the sea!  And now that it’s nearly useless for you to own one, you want all the guns!  And if not, you want to be traitors again, but instead of being the good guys, the oppressed rebels, you’re just backwoods idiots who have had it too good for too long and now mommy wants to take away that really dangerous toy that Aunt Gladys bought for you because she didn’t know any better at the time, because of her dementia, and so you’re gonna threaten to stage a coup and lock yourself in the bathroom and threaten to flush all your parents money down the toilet if your stupid demands to keep your toys that literally are only useful to exceptionally murder other human beings and absolutely nothing else because it’s illegal to shoot them at anything but a freakin’ paper on a stick in the middle of the desert.

"Come on, President Clinton, come get our guns!" Cause they've been in hiding since... never mind.

I bet James Madison had a higher hope for the idea of the freedom that every household having a musket would feel.  Knowing that if the King of England, or any other King, came through your door uninvited, you could stand up for your rights as an American against him, and with good cause.  But I bet if he heard what selfish, ignorant, baby-hating, extremists you’ve allied yourself with without even half a thought that maybe, instead of just blindly following the words he wrote down two-hundred and twenty-some years ago during a time of isolation and post-war, you might open up your minds to the fact that it’s not Revolutionary America anymore and the world has moved on; and that maybe, if those people of different skin color can succeed so well to go from little more than property to elected as the president of this free nation, thanks to a change in the very document you’re so opposed to changing, maybe the rest of it can use a little tweaking, too... he’d be at least a little upset.  Or maybe he’d just spit in your stupid eye and steal all your women.  I don’t know, he’s your slave owning/misogynist role model, not mine.  Mine’s Aaron Burr.  Look him up.

For gender equality and anti-slavery in Revolutionary American, and he shot Alex Hamilton!

But be honest, you need the 2nd Amendment to back up your 1st Amendment rights, because everything you're freely saying is probably pissing off everyone else around you.  No matter how big and blustery you sound, you're just terrified of people who don't have the same opinion as you.  Cause you're a bully.

So just stop posting things from the internet to your Facebook where I can see them, pretending you’re clever.  You’re not.  Go back to doing what you do best, laughing at poor, starving people because you were born lucky and can have food when they and their children can’t.  And in four years you can vote for the next extremely rich, white, boring robot who will validate your pathetic fears of maybe being a wee bit compassionate towards your fellow man.  Because Mittaghast P. Romney would have never ever talked about guns after little kids got shot in the face by guns.  He would have blamed poor people and that non-American Obama, just like you do, because of course, he and only he makes all of those decisions you hate.

It’s good that I won’t be so exhausted after eight straight years of complaining, like you will be.  It’s gotta get tiring posting all that shit every single day.  All that crap that goes on in Washington that no one cares about because it doesn’t affect the normal every day person.  I just like comics.  And sci-fi movies.  And video games.  Oh and children that are alive and happy.  I’m just glad that little kids’ blood isn’t on my hands, that’s all I’m trying to say.

But I shouldn’t talk about guns, cause it’s rude.  So I won’t.

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