Thursday, September 22, 2011

Movies I Haven't Seen: Abduction

I tried to write a blog last week for the Sarah Jessica Parker, Academy Award vehicle I Don't Know How She Does It and I couldn't get through it.  Even making fun of that movie was boring the absolute hell out of me, and I will make fun of anyone and everything, usually with girlish delight.  So, as a saving grace to my sanity, I stopped writing it and will allow it to crash and burn and have a slow and painful death at the box office like so many other SJP vehicles and, coincidentally, vehicles driven by other people who happen to see Sarah Jessica Parker's face.  So now, finally, I'm back to doing what I love... ruining shitty movies that I haven't even seen for everyone who wants to see them.  I swear I'll shake the dust off eventually.

He's following his career down that hill... skyscraper?  That ruins the joke...

Okay, I can't help but continue making fun of that poster.  I've seen the movie trailer and in reality, and I use that term loosely, he's sliding down the a decorative glass siding in some kind of outdoor mall and it's at about a thirty-five degree angle.  But with the poster, people are gonna think that Spider-Man lost his powers mid-dive... and for some reason his costume.  Is this Inception?  Is he dreaming and he can just bend the buildings at a whim and perform some killer grind sans skateboard?  You'd think he'd soften those windows so the glass doesn't shatter under his diamond sole shoes connected to his tree trunk of a body.  Or does this film take place in a futuristic city where people live in crooked buildings because the future is going to be a lot less rigid in it's building code restrictions?  Irregardless, yes irregardless, everything about that well made piece of advertising tells me this is going to be the first Oscar worthy film of the early awards season.

My blatant lies in that last sentence made Jesus kill this litter of kittens.  Sorry, Jesus.

As if you needed to be explained the plot after seeing that Don Draper quality creation, Abduction stars Kid's Choice Award Winner and MTV Movie Award Nominee Taylor Lautner as a young hunk with an ideal life and parents who are suspiciously training him to be James Bond Jr. right under his nose in front of his face.  His nosy girlfriend just happens to find his photo on a missing children website (girlies always be doing background checks) and these bad dudes break into his house and murderize his parents... or are they his parents?  No.  He bolts and gets picked up by Ellen Ripley in a Sarah Connor-like "come with me if you want to live" moment and he's whisked away into a world of espionage, chased by the people who want to protect him and the people who want to kill him, sounding nothing like the Bourne films or any other movie where a kid is chased by a shadowy organization.  And literally no one gets abducted in any of the trailers.

Seriously, let's go through the list: misleading title, terrible poster, cliched as hell plot, what exactly do they think audiences are going to go to this movie fo...

A young Tommy Wiseau?  Or Cher...

...oh.  Yeah.  That little kid.  From that one really popular movie, what was it called?  Oh yeah, The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl.  That's the one.  Ha, I just looked at the cast of that and the girl who played Lavagirl was named Taylor too.  Must have been confusing on set.  "Taylor!  No, the girl Taylor!  Seriously, why do you both keep looking?"  Obviously, we all know what he's from.  Some of you are panting furiously at the thought of it.  I myself feel a little part of my eternal soul die every time I type the name Taylor Lautner.  And before the haters stop reading now and say, "You haven't seen it, it's really good!" let me stop you right there.  I watched New Moon.  Don't ask me how or why, but I did.  I regret every second of it.  I know he's not that old but I have seen better acting in a school play, and I'm talking about me in the production of Peter Rabbit I did in first grade.  If he said, "Not if I find you first," to me like he does in the trailer, I would chuckle uncontrollably.  But I digress, it's not about acting, is it ladies?  It's about him in a tight shirt.  I'm sure he'll take it off sometime.  It might get wet a time or two.  Maybe ripped a little bit...  Is that what it takes to sell tickets to movies?  Is that what this world has come to?

Third highest grossing movie of all time, Oscar, and he wore a shirt through the whole thing.

Okay, I feel better, about most of the highest grossing movies of all time being serious films and the fact that I finally got to stop searching for pictures of him.  So, baby-voice Lautner aside, this movie is chock full of really good actors who apparently got really bored for half a year.  Ripley, Dr. Octopus, Lucius Malfoy, the cheerleader mom from A History of Violence... they must all be really hungry.  We should set up a foundation for starving, award nominated actors so they don't have to bottom feed to scrape by.  Poor bastards.  Apparently they really will act for food.

Exhibit B: Morgan Freeman acting for food.  Harry Connick Jr. not applicable, he's never acted.

It was even directed by John Singleton, the guy who directed Boyz n the Hood.  To be unfair though, he also directed 2 Fast 2 Furious, proving that he's attracted to directing projects with chiseled men who forgot to go to acting school.  So apparently you can direct for food, too.

On to the spoiling.  This was a tough one because of it's unique plot.  I seriously gotta tone down the sarcasm.  Nope, still going.  Obviously Sigourney Weaver is gonna bite the bullet, being the mentor of the picture.  Mentors never live long enough to see their students succeed.  Alfred Molina acts like the good guy government man but he's probably just as shady as everyone else.  The title is the only thing that confuses the hell out of me... wait!  Abduction!  Missing children website!  The title that seemed so very stupid before is actually the twist of the movie.  Was he abducted as a young boy and put into this spy foster family so he could become a trained killer.  What in the hell is the point of that?  Did they know from birth that he would be a robot, both as a killer and an actor?  Why would you kidnap, deceive, and then lose track of this clearly closeted teen when he needs a true family the most?

This movie just became a very depressing drama.  There could be some terribly touching scenes.  He could have found his real parents and discovered they were Communist spies.  After that horrible revelation, he could have realized that he took advantage of the time spent with the people who raised him.  His girlfriend could be an enemy agent who set him up on this quest in the first place, and he has to put his true high school feelings aside and kill her for the greater good.  Sigourney Weaver and Alfred Molina could be his real parents, fighting over their missing son on a national scale of intrigue.  All of that would have been a brilliant mix of drama and action, with a young, nubile actor ready to give it his all and stretch his acting chops to the limit.


So at the end of the day we'll probably be left with a clear cut, by the numbers, person-discovering their-real-identity-and-running-a-whole-bunch thriller.  And by we, I mean anyone stupid enough to consider this a thriller.  He'll find out who he is, maybe become an agent himself or disappear to the uninhabited corners of the world to live out his days looking over his shoulder with his one and only true love - the first girl he met in high school.  Maybe we should all take a cue from this acting aficionado and run away to a far off land where they don't have movie screens that cater to ten year old girls and boys who only like a handsome hunk with feelings and is also an ass-kicker, respectively. Or I can just deal with it, watch The Dark Knight again, and remember that I was ten once too and that formula worked just fine for a certain group of heroes.

Although, the robot on that show could act circles around Edward and Jacob... I mean, whatever those character's names are...

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