Thursday, May 5, 2011

Movies I Haven't Seen: Something Borrowed

Well, welcome back all you loyal readers... reader... whoever.  You're here, that either means you kinda like me or you Googled some famous person's name that I make fun of in this post.  It's been a while, good to see you all!  There was a long chunk of time there where there weren't any movies that I wanted to ruin for anyone and some I actually wanted to see... or it was just too easy.  Last week should have been my first week back on the job but I was busy writing other things.  So, I've got a real treat for you this week, if a treat is something that's long and you have to read.  I'll be reviewing two movies this week!  Yay, double feature!  No, don't go!  Okay, go get a drink first... I'll get one too.  Good?  Aight.

I really hope that's not a walk of shame...

What's sure to become a classic among teens thirteen to sixteen years of age, until they learn how to drive and of course, drive themselves to their own proms and a night of utter disappointment after this movie gets their hopes up, I give you Disney's Prom.  That's not to be confused with Disney's Tron, of course.  I can just see it, in two months when this movie is on video and some poor sap is trying to tell his girlfriend on the phone what video he wants from the video store, if they still exist, "No, I said Disney's Tron!  Not Prom!  Damn you, AT&T!"  There will be countless, unnecessary deaths, just more blood on Disney's hands.  That Space Mountain ride is more dangerous then they let on.

Let's just dive right into this one, shall we?  Cover your ears, here comes the spoilers: in this film, a bunch of high school kids and probably some old guy who has a crush on a high school girl... will go to prom and, in general, have a good time.  Phew, I'm not trying to toot my own horn here, but this job ain't exactly easy.  Since I've said literally all there is to say about Disney's Prom, and might have said too much, on to the next flick!

It's like someone threw up on a Mondrian painting... the throw-up being the people's faces.

If I'm ever married, after Hell freezes over and the sun turns red and engulfs the solar system, and if I make a movie for women like the movies aimed towards women that I've watched, I would hope that my wife would have the intelligence and self-respect to punch me square in paunch.  I've seen all sorts of movies about murderers, thieves, psychos, and politicians, and I think that all of those terrible people handle human relationships better than anyone in a romantic comedy.  I'm sorry, women, but the female characters in romantic comedies do, and are, the exact opposite of everything you all say you will never ever do and never will be, and yet you pay money to enjoy them.  And it's not like Jackass where I pay money to watch them do scary, stupid things I would never try but always wanted to see someone try and get hurt doing.  It's more like, "I would never betray my best friend by stealing their boyfriend!  But that movie, Something Borrowed, where that girl was in love with her bestest bestie's fiance?  That was so romantic!"  No!  It isn't!

Something Borrowed is probably one of the most clever titles I've heard for a romantic comedy... and yes I know it's a book, but shush, it's probably clever for the book too.  The title describes exactly what I assume the plot is; something borrowed from here, something borrowed from there.  To my understanding, the complicated tale of love and betrayal goes a li'l something, like this.  Rachel, a young woman in law school, meets Dex, also in law school, and they hit is off, obviously.  Before she can get up the nerve (she's gonna be a lawyer and she can't get up the nerve?) to tell him how she feels because, in this fantasy, it's the men who act like they're aloof, her BFF Darcy swoops right in and snatches him from her.  Rachel says nothing and six years later, Dex and Darcy are engaged and Rachel's got a bad case of the regrets.  And to make matters worse, it looks like Darcy and Dex end up having a last minute roll in the hay.  So now, Rachel's gotta hold in the secret that she loves her best friend's fiance while trying to not be mad that Darcy stole him from her in the first place.  Oh, and that she slept with him, but it was an accident!  It definitely wasn't an accident.  Whoops.

Pictured: Accident

How are these people friends?  How do people even have friends in romantic comedies?  Darcy looks like a total bitch.  She'd have to be, to be great friends with Rachel, be able to tell that she likes Dex because good friends know those things, and then have the gall to demand that he ask her out.  That works on guys, by the way, happens all the time; we're puppets.  And then the friendship lasts for six more years until they get engaged, and Rachel is still just sitting there kicking herself all that time?  That's an awesome friendship, one that continues on lies and suppressed feelings.  If anyone reading this right now thinks that last line sounds awfully familiar, you should probably reevaluate some of your decisions, cause that's not friendship.

To be happy in a romantic comedy, someone has to be hurt, and it's not always the people who deserve it, and when it is, it's still not right.  Even if Rachel and Dex end up together, Darcy is now hurt and has to live with the fact that she was engaged to a big fat lie.  Nobody in this movie looks happy, at all.  Dude isn't happy that he's marrying Darcy, cause he cheats.  Darcy, who is a treasure trove of great advice like, 'You're too old to be picky," and "If people fell in love based on their similarities...," also isn't sure she wants to marry the guy.  Not because she grows a heart and realizes she emotionally murdered her best friend, no, it's because she isn't sure if she even cares, like, whatevs?  A woman wrote this character?  Rachel is obviously miserable and is such a great friend that she is prepared to be miserable for her entire life while still being friends with these two people.  Killing yourself with regret is not being a great friend.  I have literally depressed myself explaining all of this, and some girl somewhere is gonna say that this movie is cute and funny.  'Romantic' and 'comedy' are pretty much the last words I would use to describe what this piece of trash looks like.  This situation in real life would be considered 'drama' and lives would probably be ruined because of it.  Or not, because humans just keep everything inside until it destroys us.

"I just have to put up with this for fifty more years... then I'll be dead."

And now, on to the poor saps who signed up to be these terrible human beings.  Kate Hudson I can see, she makes awful choices.  Actually, she already did a movie sorta like this, just gender-reversed; My Best Friend's Girl, starring comedy geniuses Jason Biggs and Dane Cook.  She seems drawn to characters that are terrible people, maybe so she can try to make them seem cute.  Doesn't work.  I'll always remember you from Almost Famous though, and I'll go, wow, her career went straight down the shitter.  Goldie Hawn must be furious.  Oh wait, she did the same thing.  I'm not sure if Ginnifer Goodwin is Rachel Leigh Cook, or if it's the other way around.  Scary that her character's name is Rachel in this, too.  I know nothing of her career but it looks like she's on Big Love so she's trying, I guess. This was probably just a paycheck and another slap in the face to Rachel Leigh Cook.  Where is she, by the way?  She used to be all that.  Little humor there... or not.

Colin Egglesfield... haha, really?    Sounds like a British airport.  He seems handsome and interchangeable enough.  Good choice, casting director, you picked another faceless hunk out of the crowd.  Glad to see you're earning your pay.  And John Krasinski, get back to The Office!  You're not branching out in this genre if I have anything to say about it.  Do a thriller!  Don't be Jim, or gay Jim, as you seem to be in this movie.  I heard him say in an interview he wanted to do this because there hasn't been a movie about people in their thirties trying to figure out their lives in a long while.  No Strings Attached, The Dilemma, Just Go With It, and Hall Pass, are the only ones... that came out since the start of 2011.  You were even in one a while ago called Away We Go.

"I shoulda left before before Steve Carell... and four years ago..."

I guess I did my spoiler predicting a little bit in that rambling paragraph I wrote about how shitty romantic comedies should make everyone feel.  I honestly can't imagine that this ends with Rachel and Dex apart, they're so goddamned star-crossed, but then that means that the BFF friendship is over.  It probably never should have existed in the first place, what with Kate Hudson's character being such a bitch and with Rachel Leigh Cook's clone content being the dumpy tag along.  Great character and relationship development.  Original.  My hope is that it ends with Darcy and Dex married, and to keep her friendship with Rachel alive, she allows her to 'borrow' Dex every other Thursday.  Get it?  Something Borrowed?  Now, that's a well written and realistic relationship if I do say so myself.  I'm hoping they wait until the wedding to have all of this come crashing down because, if you're gonna ruin a life, you might as well do it in front of all of your family and friends.  It makes it easier in the future since nobody has to tell the story of how all of their friendships fell apart, because everyone was invited to the shit storm... and they served cocktail weenies!

Oh, and I'm sorry again, women, if I sounded at all chauvinistic in this article.  I've met a couple of you and you seem like together people with competent and functioning brains.  That's why it really confuses me why women allow Hollywood to force feed them the idea that all they need to become a stronger, more independent woman is to give up their dreams and become some strong-willed man's property.  And without a man, a woman's life is apparently unbearable.  These are the things I learn from romantic comedies.  But who am I kidding, they're not forcing anything on you, you all willingly shell out ten bucks to see this same old horse shit time and time again.  I can't blame Hollywood.  If I could take a poop every day and someone willingly pays to look at it, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

This way, I wouldn't even have to stand up to show it off.  This got weird quick.

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