Saturday, May 21, 2011

Veloci-raptured? Oh, I Get It Now!

As everyone with a TV/Computer/Phone/Ears probably already knows, the 21st of May in the year of our Lord 2011 is the beginning of the end for mankind.  Those of you who "know" (but not Biblically, ironically enough) Jesus Horatio Christ, will disappear from this mortal realm, leaving only your clothes and pets behind... unless your pets also believe and they in turn will be taken to Doggie Heaven and possibly Kitty Heaven, or as they like to call it, A Pile of Warm Laundry.

The Christ pose is a coincidence... or is it?

Don't worry about your sinful pets, I'm sure someone will remember to feed them for you.  There should be someone around because, sadly, not all of us will be making the journey to that happy, fuzzy place with you.  The May 21st deadline isn't for those doubting Thomas's among us.  It's for those who have officially completed the "Accepting Christ Checklist."  Did you remember to put money in the collection plate every week so that your church can reupholster the kneeling benches?  Did you remember to throw your Marilyn Manson albums into the bonfire, sending toxic plastic smoke into the atmosphere?  Did you remember to help that homosexual couple by telling them they will burn in hellfire for all eternity for being in love with each other?  Did you remember to pray for the victims of every natural disaster and then pat yourself on the back for helping out like you were the spiritual Red Cross?  You did?  Well, good journeys then!  You are truly the best person you could be and I thank you for making the rest of us look like shit.

That's his, "My shit smells better than yours, smile."  And it does.

The moderate Christians may be in trouble though, for there are those that truly haven't reached the pinnacle of self-appreciation that comes with being a true Child of Christ.  Some of them are actually good people, understanding of views opposite of their own, accepting of other true religions of the world, and following the actual words of the man who was Jesus.  You're slacking!  Go out and convert that Jew couple next door!  Try to run over that abortion doctor with your car on the way home from work!  Time is running out, folks!

And there was so much time.  Time that should have been spent groveling on our hands and knees to that big space man in the sky.  And what did we do instead?  Well, there was a great period of time, The Dark Ages, where good Godly people came together to smite all of their heaten enemies: witches, Muslims, and the French.  All was well in the world for about five hundred years until the snooty Renaissance came along and made us start using our brains to move ahead unimportant shit like science and art and understanding.  Then man started getting these crazy ideas in their heads like, "Hey, can we fly?"  So we made planes which only led to us thinking, "Hey, can we go to space?"  Which we did.  But for what?  What's on the moon that's gonna help us be better people?  Obviously not a stepping stone to the bigger universe around us.  We don't need to figure out the human genome.  We're all special just the way God made us, especially the people with debilitating genetic diseases.  We don't need to understand how to make renewable energy.  We'll be dead by the time we run out of fossil fuels, thank God!  And what of jetpacks and hoverboards, I ask you?  What a colossal waste of manpower and nothing to show for it.

But these are out in abundance....

And what about our personal ambitions and dreams?  Why exactly did the average person go to college?  For the betterment of their education and for better standing in the job market?  Pshaw!  Waste of time!  All of these relationships with these random people who move in and out of our lives don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy mixed up world when you know that it's all gonna disappear within our lifetime.  Cultivating long standing and fruitful relationships with people we know and care about seems a little useless now that they're going to be a pile of clothes we can steal and make into scarecrows.

Bye, Dad!  I'm taking your car.

So as the clock ticks down and down towards the extremely precise time of 6 P.M. wherever the hell you are in the world, go ahead and take one of these last minutes to look back at your life.  How many hours did you waste having fun with friends?  How many years did you waste learning to play the piano and making beautiful music for all to hear?  How long did you sit and ponder the majesty of nature and the utterly awe-inspiring vastness of our universe?  And those babies you're all in a rush to make because yours will be special?  Hope they learned how to talk and pray cause they might be hanging out with me and the pets for five months if they haven't made their peace yet.  Babies can't ask for forgiveness cause they didn't do nothin' wrong and they're stubborn as hell.

In conclusion, hope you lived your life to the fullest... by waiting for it to end quickly.

But, I guess if you're reading this, you're still here, cause I'm not gonna post it until 6:01.  Whoops.

Bring it on, you sons of bitches!

No comments:

Post a Comment